Thoughts...in the key of me.

Just a few thoughts before I head off to open the restaurant:

-Now that I'm out of school, it seems like I never have enough money.
-How much of life is a divine plan and how much is what you create? Where's the line between waiting on Providence and making life happen?
-I'm very excited to be moving into a real house....I will be one of the lovely ladies of Castle Beverly (as we are so naming it because of the lion head and ivy covered exterior walls) come Monday!!!
-I love Christmas so much that I put up my tree yesterday even though I'm moving Monday.
-The main reason I love Christmas is that it reminds me how simple my faith should be. God loved me and sent divinity in the form of a human infant to live life and then die to save mine. I teared up yesterday singing along with Amy Grant's version of "O Come All Ye Faithful" in my car. It's all simple, really. Remember that simplicity this season. Faith, family, friends.

After repeatedly making half as much in tips as I should be night after night at Bonefish Grill I figured it was time to inform you, the general public, of today's correct tipping procedures. Please read carefully and adjust accordingly.

-15% is NO LONGER THE EXPECTED MINIMUM. I don't care if you're at Cracker Barrel or The Sun Dial...you should be tipping AT LEAST 18%. THIS IS THE NEW MINIMUM.

-Adjust your tipping to reflect the quality of the service. If your service is mediocre, by all means tip 18%. However, if you are at a quality dining establishment such as Bonefish or other pricier establishments, you probably should be tipping a bit more. For excellent service at an excellent dining establishment YOU SHOULD BE TIPPING 20%. Bottom line. It is not acceptable to go into a quality establishment and tip 15% for excellent service. If you want to do that, go to Applebees or something. If you are a businessman and are using a corporate card, THERE IS NO EXCUSE (save recieving poor service) to tip your server any less than 20%. This reflects POORLY on you as a businessman. (Case and point: I served a table of 7 who were there for a business dinner....gave them superb service....and was left $25 on a $200 check. Ridiculous.)

-Using gift cards/coupons: If you use a gift card or a coupon, you should be tipping at least 18% ON THE ORIGINAL AMOUNT BEFORE THE DISCOUNT WAS TAKEN. Do not tip on the remaining amount after the discount. This is not fair to the server because he/she was serving you for the full amount of the sale...not partially. It's just logic, people.

I hope this helps some of the general public know how to tip properly.

Well, it's been a while...life has been crazy lately, mostly because of my recent plunge into the two-job lifestyle. I'm a nanny for my four year old cousin during the day and I'm waiting tables at Bonefish Grill at night. There have been days where I've fought the responsibilities tooth and nail, and there have been other days of tranquil tolerance...there are even a few days where I love how my life's going. Those days really shimmer.

I was out shopping with Kamron in tow last week at the new mall in town. We stopped by the fountain in the courtyard so Kamron could toss in a penny...I figured it was the least I could do after dragging him around for a couple of hours. I took out a penny and told him to make a wish before he threw it in, and at that moment life started recording one of those movie moments that I'll always have at the ready to play back in my mind. He paused for a moment with the penny still in his hand, looked up at me with those gorgeously adorable eyes of his, and simply said "I wish for wings." I had nothing to say in response to such a beautifully simple statement. We stood there listening to the fountain for a minute after he tossed his penny in. End scene.

Kamron's wish has stood out in my mind since then. I've been reading through Donald Miller's book Searching For God Knows What, and he discusses different aspects of the fall in a couple of chapters. He points out how man really was created to be alone and find significance in no one else but God (which I knew already) but he brings up a very interesting point: Adam was instructed to name the plants and animals long before the text mentions God wanting to give Adam the gift of a companion. Now, I guess this is the fault of countless feltboard Sunday School lessons about Adam naming the animals in a nice, neat line...but I've always assumed it was a simple operation. It couldn't have been! It would have taken years and years for Adam to get around to all the plants and animals, find them, and name them. This means that it was just Adam and God for many many years, until God extended His love and grace enough to give Adam the gift of Eve. Miller then points out that one of the consequences of the fall is that we, as humans, will never be able to find total satisfaction in God like we're supposed to. We'll always try looking somewhere else. Although this is a pretty depressing fact, it's also somewhat of an encouragement. We don't have to beat ourselves up so badly over trying to find meaning in life other than through God. It's our nature...it's going to happen. This doesn't give us an excuse to ignore trying to find satisfaction through God, though.

All of that brings me to this point: if Kamron can start wishing for wings at age 4, then maybe it's totally normal and okay that I'm wishing for wings more than anything else in life right now. If Kamron feels the need for some bigger force to take him on an adventure, then maybe it's okay that I'm wishing for the same thing.

So I’ve been thinking of ways to escape Darkest Maconga (I’m doing that a lot lately…) and thinking about what I want to do or where I want to go. I came up with the idea that my ideal situation for my current phase of life would be to find a boyfriend who’s in a band….go on tour with them as their photographer…play music all the time and get better…and maybe eventually be an opener for them. That would be awesome. However, that is my dream. No lie, I have heard 3 sermons in the past week about relinquishing control to God. I know part of the reason why I’ve been miserable the past couple of years is because I have pried the reins out of God’s hands little by little, thinking for some reason that I could do a better job than He could at this point in my life. I know that God has crazy plans for me because He always has. He’s always shown me that His plans are better. I’ve always seen the reasons why…maybe not immediately, but in due course. Part of the reason why I’m wanting to maintain control is because inwardly I’m afraid that God’s way for me will be boring…too “pious” or what have you. God pretty much invented all things adventurous….so why should I think that he would ordain the boring stuff for me when He also created me…therefore knowing that I crave all things adventurous? It’s so easy to forget that God knows exactly what my wildest dreams are.

Spiritual moments can happen anywhere, anytime, in the midst of anything. I remembered that a lunar eclipse was supposed to happen tonight, so I peeked out of my window to discover that I had a perfect view if I sat on the floor. I sat and watched the clouds dance over the crescent of the moon that wasn’t yet obscured. I had the Flaming Lips playing, and the song It overtakes me/The stars are so big…I am so small…Do I stand a chance? (yes, that is the song’s real title) was playing. I haven’t listened to this album very much at all, but the melodies of this song were the perfect soundtrack to the eclipse. Then I started listening to the lyrics…and magic happened.

And I'm there, looking up at the sky
And I'm scared, thinkin' 'bout the way that I
Don't understand anything at all...
And how it overtakes me... and I am just so small...
Do I stand a chance?

It was perfect, and I couldn’t stop smiling for a few minutes. Beautiful simplicity like this makes my day turn around. I should open my eyes and be more aware. I should be thankful that the composer of such simplicity brazenly loves me.

I read this in an interview with Rob Bell (I really like what this guy has to say, in case you haven’t noticed by my quoting him every other entry…) in the current issue of Relevant. Says some good stuff about the church, I think. Harsh perhaps…but good. Take a gander.

First, politics. I find it slightly disturbing that the elections are still a year away and I am already completely sick of hearing about anything related to them. The candidate I support (Ron Paul) has no chance of winning because this country will not get out of the rut that is the two-party system. It is becoming more and more evident that candidates for both parties are not meeting the standards of Americans. Just look at the last election. Most people were forced to choose the lesser of two evils, and it looks as if this election is going to be a similar scenario. Perhaps if we had a moderate party represented more people would be able to find a candidate they can truly rally behind.

Second, the Grammy Awards. I had a little get together with some friends and watched the whole thing...all four hours. It was a really good show, in my opinion. I loved every performance (although the Jerry Lee Lewis/Little Richard combo was pretty scary) and I thought it was great how several genres were incorporated into the show's performances. I think my favorite performance was the tribute to the Beatles done by Cirque de Soleil and some of the cast from Across the Universe. Feist's stripped down version of 1234 was really good, too. There were some awesome duets....Tina Turner and Beyonce, Fergie (I didn't know she could actually sing) and John Legend, Alicia Keys and John Mayer, Josh Groban and Andrea Bocelli.....yeah, could have done without that duet with Kid Rock and the old lady and Brad Paisley's song. But oh well. I love love love how the Album of the Year award went to Herbie Hancock. Kanye can pout all he wants, but it's amazing that the Academy acknowledged and rewarded a different genre of music than normal. One more thing.....I like Amy Winehouse's sound and everything. I think it's unique and catchy and whatever. I don't think she deserved 4 Grammys, though. That's just my opinion. I think there were different artists in each category who deserved an award more than she. Just my opinion.

Third, Valentine's Day. I've never really cared for it, even when I'm in a relationship. Basically the only good thing about V Day in my opinion is conversation hearts. I can destroy a bag of those...it's not even funny. I don't see why people celebrate Valentine's day. It's completely commercial. It might as well be called Hallmark day. Although it stems from Saint Valentine, a martyr, it has evolved to become a day to express romantic feelings. I guess that's all well and good, but I think it's so stupid when girls get angry when their boyfriends don't pull out every stop available on Valentine's day. I feel sorry for you gentlemen this Thursday...

That is all.

The phenomenon known as Hollywood has, once again, proven its power in American society and culture. By now we all know about Heath Ledger’s death. When I found out about it I was shocked and actually a bit saddened by the news. Then I started thinking about it, and I don’t even know this guy at all, yet I still feel a good bit of emotion about his death. If I had seen on the news that a random guy had died from alleged drug overdose, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought (which is probably sad in and of itself because that sort of news is so common, but that’s another blog entry altogether). Hollywood stars are such idols to American people, and really people all over the world. It absolutely fascinates me how people can achieve this status. I guess the reason why I felt such emotion toward Heath Ledger’s passing is because I have connected with him through the roles he has played in his films. That’s enough to establish a connection with an artist. Let me use another actor as an example that might make more sense. If I was to meet Zach Braff, I would probably start talking to him as if he’s a long lost classmate from high school or something because I connected so much to his character in Garden State. I actually read an interview with him somewhere and he mentioned that this actually goes on because of his portrayal of Andrew Largeman. I can think of several other stars that I feel like I “know” because of characters they have played. I suppose another reason we feel connected to celebrities is because they are all over the media in every way possible. Remember that one week when Britney’s custody case was the top story on every news channel? That’s absolutely ridiculous…the real issues Americans are facing take the back seat to some disturbed pop star’s custody battle.

My mom brought up a good point when we were talking in the car about Heath Ledger’s death. I mentioned how ironic it was that his last role is as the Joker in the new Batman movie, which is a super twisted and almost evil role. She said that roles like that can really affect the actor, and since most actors aren’t believers it’s no wonder that most of them seem way off their rocker. All the interviews I’ve watched have commented on the fact that Heath Ledger’s behavior had changed lately and that he looked like he was using drugs. When you think about it that way, how roles can really affect the actor, it’s scary that everyone in America is looking up to these people who are not solid. You all know that in no way am I a “super Christian,” so I’m not saying boycott Hollywood or pray for the salvation of Hollywood or whatever (I even wonder if that’s worth it in today’s society, because that kind of overt Christian behavior just seems to turn people off…so do we keep being forward in hopes that it will change, or do we adapt to fit the needs of today’s culture? Once again…that’s a whole separate blog entry). Anyway, I’ve never been one to have posters of actors or musicians or whatever in my room and I’ve never really idolized any celebrities, but Heath Ledger’s death just got my brain churning about this kind of stuff.

I was flipping through my copy of Rob Bell’s book Velvet Elvis today to re-read the parts I had marked. (It’s very hard for me to read a book without a pen or highlighter in hand…chalk it up to being trained in English classes to read analytically.) I came across this passage and I’d really like to share it with you. It’s a very relevant idea, especially since the environment is such a big issue in general and in the upcoming elections.

I was doing some organizing today and ran across this CD…. All Right Here by Sara Groves. She is one of my favorite singer/songwriters because her lyrics are truly poetic and describe things like no other artist I’ve found. I popped it in to give it a listen, and I fell in love with it all over again (I LOVE it when that happens). One particular song has always spoken to me. I’m a thinker and a questioner, and the lyrics of this song give me great comfort. I’d like to share them with you.

“Maybe There’s a Loving God”

I’m trying to work things out
I’m trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say,
“I don’t know what to do with her
She’s so unresponsive
I just cannot break though
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon”

They have a chart and graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I’m thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God
Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God

I’m lonely. It’s frustrating to me that I’m so dependant. I know I was created to love- to be loved- to connect- but sometimes I wish more than anything that I could just turn that switch off. A lot of people I know have gotten engaged over the past few weeks because it’s Christmas (aka one of the most romantic times of year). I am so amazingly happy for each one of them, but at the same time it makes my stomach turn because it’s not me. It also doesn’t help when your own Grandmother points out the fact that you don’t have any prospects at age 23. I know that society has changed a bit; in her day, if you weren’t married by 23, you would be hard pressed to be able to make a living. In today’s society it’s not so much of a big deal; women are pursuing their careers before they settle down. It makes me so mad that I care so much about being in a relationship. Why do I care so much? Why does it matter so much? Am I not pursuing God the way I’m supposed to? If I do pursue God completely, is that going to make it go away? I’ve tried that before, and it doesn’t seem like it goes away because the desire for connection and relationship is something that’s embedded in my soul. God created me that way, so really it won’t ever go away….and even if I do get married, loneliness is still a possibility. I’ve been taught my whole life that God can only fill that void. So because of that, is marriage even worth it? If you’re still going to be lonely and if marriage is only there as a glorified friendship where it’s ok to make babies, is the whole ordeal even worth it? These days, marriage isn’t even a binding contract like it used to be. It’s not the fusion of souls anymore. It seems to be an excuse to have sex without feeling guilty about it. I dunno….I know this is a serious rant, but I’m just tired of being bound by this desire to be connected to another person.