I’m lonely. It’s frustrating to me that I’m so dependant. I know I was created to love- to be loved- to connect- but sometimes I wish more than anything that I could just turn that switch off. A lot of people I know have gotten engaged over the past few weeks because it’s Christmas (aka one of the most romantic times of year). I am so amazingly happy for each one of them, but at the same time it makes my stomach turn because it’s not me. It also doesn’t help when your own Grandmother points out the fact that you don’t have any prospects at age 23. I know that society has changed a bit; in her day, if you weren’t married by 23, you would be hard pressed to be able to make a living. In today’s society it’s not so much of a big deal; women are pursuing their careers before they settle down. It makes me so mad that I care so much about being in a relationship. Why do I care so much? Why does it matter so much? Am I not pursuing God the way I’m supposed to? If I do pursue God completely, is that going to make it go away? I’ve tried that before, and it doesn’t seem like it goes away because the desire for connection and relationship is something that’s embedded in my soul. God created me that way, so really it won’t ever go away….and even if I do get married, loneliness is still a possibility. I’ve been taught my whole life that God can only fill that void. So because of that, is marriage even worth it? If you’re still going to be lonely and if marriage is only there as a glorified friendship where it’s ok to make babies, is the whole ordeal even worth it? These days, marriage isn’t even a binding contract like it used to be. It’s not the fusion of souls anymore. It seems to be an excuse to have sex without feeling guilty about it. I dunno….I know this is a serious rant, but I’m just tired of being bound by this desire to be connected to another person.
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We should have lunch sometime. I've had some epiphanies on that line of thought you might be able to address or answer, and vice versa.
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