Thoughts...in the key of me.

The phenomenon known as Hollywood has, once again, proven its power in American society and culture. By now we all know about Heath Ledger’s death. When I found out about it I was shocked and actually a bit saddened by the news. Then I started thinking about it, and I don’t even know this guy at all, yet I still feel a good bit of emotion about his death. If I had seen on the news that a random guy had died from alleged drug overdose, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought (which is probably sad in and of itself because that sort of news is so common, but that’s another blog entry altogether). Hollywood stars are such idols to American people, and really people all over the world. It absolutely fascinates me how people can achieve this status. I guess the reason why I felt such emotion toward Heath Ledger’s passing is because I have connected with him through the roles he has played in his films. That’s enough to establish a connection with an artist. Let me use another actor as an example that might make more sense. If I was to meet Zach Braff, I would probably start talking to him as if he’s a long lost classmate from high school or something because I connected so much to his character in Garden State. I actually read an interview with him somewhere and he mentioned that this actually goes on because of his portrayal of Andrew Largeman. I can think of several other stars that I feel like I “know” because of characters they have played. I suppose another reason we feel connected to celebrities is because they are all over the media in every way possible. Remember that one week when Britney’s custody case was the top story on every news channel? That’s absolutely ridiculous…the real issues Americans are facing take the back seat to some disturbed pop star’s custody battle.

My mom brought up a good point when we were talking in the car about Heath Ledger’s death. I mentioned how ironic it was that his last role is as the Joker in the new Batman movie, which is a super twisted and almost evil role. She said that roles like that can really affect the actor, and since most actors aren’t believers it’s no wonder that most of them seem way off their rocker. All the interviews I’ve watched have commented on the fact that Heath Ledger’s behavior had changed lately and that he looked like he was using drugs. When you think about it that way, how roles can really affect the actor, it’s scary that everyone in America is looking up to these people who are not solid. You all know that in no way am I a “super Christian,” so I’m not saying boycott Hollywood or pray for the salvation of Hollywood or whatever (I even wonder if that’s worth it in today’s society, because that kind of overt Christian behavior just seems to turn people off…so do we keep being forward in hopes that it will change, or do we adapt to fit the needs of today’s culture? Once again…that’s a whole separate blog entry). Anyway, I’ve never been one to have posters of actors or musicians or whatever in my room and I’ve never really idolized any celebrities, but Heath Ledger’s death just got my brain churning about this kind of stuff.

I was flipping through my copy of Rob Bell’s book Velvet Elvis today to re-read the parts I had marked. (It’s very hard for me to read a book without a pen or highlighter in hand…chalk it up to being trained in English classes to read analytically.) I came across this passage and I’d really like to share it with you. It’s a very relevant idea, especially since the environment is such a big issue in general and in the upcoming elections.

I was doing some organizing today and ran across this CD…. All Right Here by Sara Groves. She is one of my favorite singer/songwriters because her lyrics are truly poetic and describe things like no other artist I’ve found. I popped it in to give it a listen, and I fell in love with it all over again (I LOVE it when that happens). One particular song has always spoken to me. I’m a thinker and a questioner, and the lyrics of this song give me great comfort. I’d like to share them with you.

“Maybe There’s a Loving God”

I’m trying to work things out
I’m trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say,
“I don’t know what to do with her
She’s so unresponsive
I just cannot break though
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon”

They have a chart and graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I’m thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God
Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God

I’m lonely. It’s frustrating to me that I’m so dependant. I know I was created to love- to be loved- to connect- but sometimes I wish more than anything that I could just turn that switch off. A lot of people I know have gotten engaged over the past few weeks because it’s Christmas (aka one of the most romantic times of year). I am so amazingly happy for each one of them, but at the same time it makes my stomach turn because it’s not me. It also doesn’t help when your own Grandmother points out the fact that you don’t have any prospects at age 23. I know that society has changed a bit; in her day, if you weren’t married by 23, you would be hard pressed to be able to make a living. In today’s society it’s not so much of a big deal; women are pursuing their careers before they settle down. It makes me so mad that I care so much about being in a relationship. Why do I care so much? Why does it matter so much? Am I not pursuing God the way I’m supposed to? If I do pursue God completely, is that going to make it go away? I’ve tried that before, and it doesn’t seem like it goes away because the desire for connection and relationship is something that’s embedded in my soul. God created me that way, so really it won’t ever go away….and even if I do get married, loneliness is still a possibility. I’ve been taught my whole life that God can only fill that void. So because of that, is marriage even worth it? If you’re still going to be lonely and if marriage is only there as a glorified friendship where it’s ok to make babies, is the whole ordeal even worth it? These days, marriage isn’t even a binding contract like it used to be. It’s not the fusion of souls anymore. It seems to be an excuse to have sex without feeling guilty about it. I dunno….I know this is a serious rant, but I’m just tired of being bound by this desire to be connected to another person.