Thoughts...in the key of me.

So my version of earth has been both shaken and stirred these past few days. And so it goes...you think you know what trail you're on and where it's headed, and then suddenly you find yourself bushwhacking. Aside from that, lately I've been thinking about the balancing act required of anybody who calls themselves a Christ-follower. There are several aspects of the faith which require a balance, but the one I've been mulling over specifically is the issue of self-worth. We are taught (and the Bible says) that without Christ we are nothing and can do nothing, but then again we are also assured that we can have confidence in our worth as a creation of God. I have to be selfless in order to effectively imitate Christ, but being selfless requires some measure of introspection which is selfish in nature.

These recent events have made me lose most, if not all, of my confidence in my ability to live a life striving to follow and learn from Christ. The things I have been doing for the past 3 years, really, have not indicated that I even have a desire to follow Christ. My emotions feel electrocuted, in a way. I feel numb and unable to move myself. I cannot change any of these circumstances directly. I can make steps to try and alleviate the temptations, but ultimately it is not up to me to use my will or my self-control to solve things. This is putting me in a very strange place. I can't do anything to fix things... I can't control what's going to happen to me in the next year and I know that I will never really gain control over it. But, at the same time, I need to have confidence in myself knowing that if I'm really seeking to follow Christ I'll be going where He wants me to go. This is all very strange...I feel like I'm floating in limbo with no indication of what's going to happen to me. I guess this is where God wants all of us at some point...at a place of total dependence on Him. I feel like that's where I am...I have found the most solace in my Bible, my prayer journal, and my out-loud conversations with God in the car or in the shower. I have no clue what's going to happen. None. I've at least had a pretty strong feeling of direction in the past. Basically I know what I want and have gotten a taste of it....the carrot was dangling in front of me, and I ripped the carrot off of its string and threw it away. I don't know if I'm going to get another carrot. I'm scared that I have messed up something that could have possibly been the best thing.