Thoughts...in the key of me.

A new summer finds me in a new location once again. Every summer I have been somewhere different...which has been a really cool experience. During college I spent a summer in Dalton, a summer in Richmond VA, a summer in Yellowstone National Park, and a summer in Asheville NC. They're all great places and they all patched up my rough places in their own ways. This summer finds me in Macon. I think it will be a good thing; it has the potential to be if I'm willing to put in my effort. As usual I have the goals of reading, writing, practicing my guitar, and excercising regularly in my free time. I have a pretty large amount of free time, which is strange. I don't work until evenings so I have every day to do whatever I want. I also have cable tv for the first time in months, so that's fantastic...even though that's pretty sad. Haha...

The other night I was thinking about the art of being single. I'm reading Captivating, which is a book by the guy who wrote Wild at Heart and his wife. It's basically the female version of Wild at Heart. It has some interesting perspective about life as a woman and different aspects of it. Through reading this and thinking about the stuff it says in relation to being single...I've basically decided I should really be acting my age here. I've been moping around pathetically the past few weeks because my boyfriend broke up with me. No matter how much I say I'm independent or how strong I appear to be, my identity was there. I was validated and ok as a female because I had a boyfriend.....and that's just ridiculous. I'm 23 for crying out loud...I should be totally fine on my own. I should be enjoying the time without a driving career, without screaming kids, without major bills to pay. I shouldn't be defeated...I shouldn't be carrying my cell phone in my pocket continuously hoping somebody male will call. I've always been the strong willed, independent one. I've always been fine on my own and able to find creative ways to make the most of my time. Although being a "late bloomer" has its advantages, it's really getting annoying. I feel like I'm behind most people my age in a lot of ways. Another part of this delicate balance is that I really can't do much of anything to bring about these changes in myself because I've tried it before and it's blown up in my face. Lately I've been really trying to read my Bible a lot and look for truth there, and I've been writing things out in my prayer journal and just being brutally honest with God. I've been telling him what I'm sick of and what annoys me. I know that he's taking care of me and that I really shouldn't worry, because I have a feeling that 10 years from now I'll be wishing I had the free time I have now. I guess I'm having to re-learn what matters.

You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong

You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

And I could write it down
or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea

You put me on a line
And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I
Decided to go to sea

You cut me down to size
And opened up my eyes
Made me realize
What I could not see

And I could write a book
The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took
It took it back from me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
And you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

Oh what good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see

Are the streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

You belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

~Coldplay, Swallowed in the Sea~

So my version of earth has been both shaken and stirred these past few days. And so it goes...you think you know what trail you're on and where it's headed, and then suddenly you find yourself bushwhacking. Aside from that, lately I've been thinking about the balancing act required of anybody who calls themselves a Christ-follower. There are several aspects of the faith which require a balance, but the one I've been mulling over specifically is the issue of self-worth. We are taught (and the Bible says) that without Christ we are nothing and can do nothing, but then again we are also assured that we can have confidence in our worth as a creation of God. I have to be selfless in order to effectively imitate Christ, but being selfless requires some measure of introspection which is selfish in nature.

These recent events have made me lose most, if not all, of my confidence in my ability to live a life striving to follow and learn from Christ. The things I have been doing for the past 3 years, really, have not indicated that I even have a desire to follow Christ. My emotions feel electrocuted, in a way. I feel numb and unable to move myself. I cannot change any of these circumstances directly. I can make steps to try and alleviate the temptations, but ultimately it is not up to me to use my will or my self-control to solve things. This is putting me in a very strange place. I can't do anything to fix things... I can't control what's going to happen to me in the next year and I know that I will never really gain control over it. But, at the same time, I need to have confidence in myself knowing that if I'm really seeking to follow Christ I'll be going where He wants me to go. This is all very strange...I feel like I'm floating in limbo with no indication of what's going to happen to me. I guess this is where God wants all of us at some point...at a place of total dependence on Him. I feel like that's where I am...I have found the most solace in my Bible, my prayer journal, and my out-loud conversations with God in the car or in the shower. I have no clue what's going to happen. None. I've at least had a pretty strong feeling of direction in the past. Basically I know what I want and have gotten a taste of it....the carrot was dangling in front of me, and I ripped the carrot off of its string and threw it away. I don't know if I'm going to get another carrot. I'm scared that I have messed up something that could have possibly been the best thing.