I've been thinking about relationships the past couple of days. Sadly, it seems to be a subject I cannot avoid no matter how hard I try. Perhaps that is because, as humans, we were created to be in relation with each other...whether romantically or otherwise. It's really hard to remember that and be ok with it- especially in a culture like ours. A friend of mine asked me once why girls "play games" so much. I thought about it, and suggested that our culture has shifted to this paradigm of the strong woman. Society is encouraging women to be strong and independent; to pursue goals, dreams, and careers. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this...except that now women have this idea pushed on them from culture that they do not need a relationship in their lives. I think that women often battle themselves because culture says they do not need a relationship to be successful...that they can be just as career oriented as men and be fine. However, as women we are specifically made to want or yearn for a relationship. So then we have this fight within us between the woman who is straining to be ok as an individual and the girl who is longing to become part of someone else, too.
Whew. Now on to what I originally intended to blog about... Another friend and I were sitting around talking about crushes we've had, crushes other people had, who ended up getting engaged, and all that fun stuff. She jokingly told me that I won the prize for having the most guys have a crush on me. Although I know for certain she did not mean any harm in that comment, it hit me harder than I thought it would. I started thinking about that....about how I've gained somewhat of a reputation in college of being a heartbreaker. I guess I went crazy...I only dated one guy all through high school, and we dated for about 2 years. He was the first guy I had ever dated. Since then, just in my 4 years of college, I've dated like 9 guys or something...and kissed way more than I ever should have. I then started thinking that I would have rather been the girl who never was really liked and didn't date much, but found love in the first guy she seriously dated and ended up getting married. Although, I'm sure that has it's downsides too...because I know a couple of those girls and they seriously questioned themselves until they found that one guy. I just didn't think that getting so much attention would be so detrimental. At this point it's like when guy likes me and tells me, it's all been said. I've heard it all before and it's not that special. That's really sad to me. I guess if and when I find the guy I'm supposed to be with, all of those things that have been said and soiled and run over will somehow regain their sparkle and magic. Then again, life is not a chick flick.
All of this has really been verbal vomit...just thoughts. But that's what a blog is, isn't it? So beautiful...
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2 comments:
That's a really nice post. There are some legitimate fears in those meanderings. I've felt some of those myself, although at other times in my life.
I'm praying for you.
Eh, good post. Especially poignant given my current mood and state of mind. I've "dated" and made out with only God knows how many girls, but I've had the misfortune of only ever taking one relationship seriously--although that is not to say that my life has not been punctuated with some serious periods of pining and angst before this time. The hardest thing about being able to move on with the future is being honest with youself about the past. The lesson that I am trying to teach myself right now is that good things and bad things only exist in their own times, in moments and flickers, and to see anything as something more than than a blip on the radar that is here for this day (and maybe the next), from which we might take delight or instruction, is to be quite foolish about this whole life.
As for all the stuff you've heard before: it's a willing suspension of disbelief. Or something like that. I guess you just have to think "It's gotta be true, this time." But from what I have viewed of you, you are a bit more foregone that most. I remember confessing to you that I was into you, two years ago now, was it? and you were like, "Don't worry. This happens all the time. Things will be awkward now." Not to burden you with things, but it was a real letdown to be treated as a number and not as a person. But whatever, I'm Stephen Cox and I do not let things like that bother me very much. Enough of that heavy stuff...
It was great to see you, yesterday! I am so sorry that I was communicationally-challenged due to lack of sleep. I ran away for several reasons that were completely silly and had nothing to do with you. : ) I do hope to see you again, soon.
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