Thoughts...in the key of me.

The phenomenon known as Hollywood has, once again, proven its power in American society and culture. By now we all know about Heath Ledger’s death. When I found out about it I was shocked and actually a bit saddened by the news. Then I started thinking about it, and I don’t even know this guy at all, yet I still feel a good bit of emotion about his death. If I had seen on the news that a random guy had died from alleged drug overdose, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought (which is probably sad in and of itself because that sort of news is so common, but that’s another blog entry altogether). Hollywood stars are such idols to American people, and really people all over the world. It absolutely fascinates me how people can achieve this status. I guess the reason why I felt such emotion toward Heath Ledger’s passing is because I have connected with him through the roles he has played in his films. That’s enough to establish a connection with an artist. Let me use another actor as an example that might make more sense. If I was to meet Zach Braff, I would probably start talking to him as if he’s a long lost classmate from high school or something because I connected so much to his character in Garden State. I actually read an interview with him somewhere and he mentioned that this actually goes on because of his portrayal of Andrew Largeman. I can think of several other stars that I feel like I “know” because of characters they have played. I suppose another reason we feel connected to celebrities is because they are all over the media in every way possible. Remember that one week when Britney’s custody case was the top story on every news channel? That’s absolutely ridiculous…the real issues Americans are facing take the back seat to some disturbed pop star’s custody battle.

My mom brought up a good point when we were talking in the car about Heath Ledger’s death. I mentioned how ironic it was that his last role is as the Joker in the new Batman movie, which is a super twisted and almost evil role. She said that roles like that can really affect the actor, and since most actors aren’t believers it’s no wonder that most of them seem way off their rocker. All the interviews I’ve watched have commented on the fact that Heath Ledger’s behavior had changed lately and that he looked like he was using drugs. When you think about it that way, how roles can really affect the actor, it’s scary that everyone in America is looking up to these people who are not solid. You all know that in no way am I a “super Christian,” so I’m not saying boycott Hollywood or pray for the salvation of Hollywood or whatever (I even wonder if that’s worth it in today’s society, because that kind of overt Christian behavior just seems to turn people off…so do we keep being forward in hopes that it will change, or do we adapt to fit the needs of today’s culture? Once again…that’s a whole separate blog entry). Anyway, I’ve never been one to have posters of actors or musicians or whatever in my room and I’ve never really idolized any celebrities, but Heath Ledger’s death just got my brain churning about this kind of stuff.

I was flipping through my copy of Rob Bell’s book Velvet Elvis today to re-read the parts I had marked. (It’s very hard for me to read a book without a pen or highlighter in hand…chalk it up to being trained in English classes to read analytically.) I came across this passage and I’d really like to share it with you. It’s a very relevant idea, especially since the environment is such a big issue in general and in the upcoming elections.

I was doing some organizing today and ran across this CD…. All Right Here by Sara Groves. She is one of my favorite singer/songwriters because her lyrics are truly poetic and describe things like no other artist I’ve found. I popped it in to give it a listen, and I fell in love with it all over again (I LOVE it when that happens). One particular song has always spoken to me. I’m a thinker and a questioner, and the lyrics of this song give me great comfort. I’d like to share them with you.

“Maybe There’s a Loving God”

I’m trying to work things out
I’m trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say,
“I don’t know what to do with her
She’s so unresponsive
I just cannot break though
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon”

They have a chart and graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I’m thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God
Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God

I’m lonely. It’s frustrating to me that I’m so dependant. I know I was created to love- to be loved- to connect- but sometimes I wish more than anything that I could just turn that switch off. A lot of people I know have gotten engaged over the past few weeks because it’s Christmas (aka one of the most romantic times of year). I am so amazingly happy for each one of them, but at the same time it makes my stomach turn because it’s not me. It also doesn’t help when your own Grandmother points out the fact that you don’t have any prospects at age 23. I know that society has changed a bit; in her day, if you weren’t married by 23, you would be hard pressed to be able to make a living. In today’s society it’s not so much of a big deal; women are pursuing their careers before they settle down. It makes me so mad that I care so much about being in a relationship. Why do I care so much? Why does it matter so much? Am I not pursuing God the way I’m supposed to? If I do pursue God completely, is that going to make it go away? I’ve tried that before, and it doesn’t seem like it goes away because the desire for connection and relationship is something that’s embedded in my soul. God created me that way, so really it won’t ever go away….and even if I do get married, loneliness is still a possibility. I’ve been taught my whole life that God can only fill that void. So because of that, is marriage even worth it? If you’re still going to be lonely and if marriage is only there as a glorified friendship where it’s ok to make babies, is the whole ordeal even worth it? These days, marriage isn’t even a binding contract like it used to be. It’s not the fusion of souls anymore. It seems to be an excuse to have sex without feeling guilty about it. I dunno….I know this is a serious rant, but I’m just tired of being bound by this desire to be connected to another person.

Happy, happy Christmas everyone!

O ye beneath life's crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow;
Look now, for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the wing;
Oh rest beside the weary road
And hear the angels sing.

For lo! the days are hastening on,
By prophets seen of old,
When with the ever-circling years
Shall come the time foretold,
When the new heaven and earth shall own
The Prince of Peace, their King,
And the whole world send back the song
Which now the angels sing.

My uncle tragically died a couple of weeks ago. His death woke me up and pushed me face to face with what had been tossed into the corners of my mind. (I’m pretty sure that’s one of the reasons why death exists: to shake the living into motion again.) I’ve struggled with being lonely and finding a group of friends to truly connect with since graduation, but I had moved it out of the way to make a path for other thoughts so I wouldn’t dwell on being lonely. While I was up in Dalton for the funeral services, my thoughts about community crept up to the front of the line. I was seeing a community file through the door of the funeral home parlor little by little. People from my parents’ church came to support my mom. People from my sister and cousin’s high school came to support them. Countless people who had grown up with Uncle Thomas and who knew my mom and her other brothers and sisters came to share their grief. I was desperately trying not to make any part of those few days about me, because I knew there were bigger things going on. I could not help but notice, try as I might, that I only had one person come through that line to support me personally. It got me thinking about what kind of relationships I’ve been craving. I had just assumed that it was a romantic relationship, because that’s pretty much what it always is. As I was standing there watching generations of this community pass in front of me, I was starting to realize the difference. I was wondering why I was having such a hard time finding community in Macon. My church is wonderful and I have truly found some kindred spirits there, but none are my age or share all the same interests. I feel a sense of community at work, but I also feel like I’m pretty different from everyone there in several ways. I kept rolling these thoughts around in my mind for the next few days. This past Sunday I got to go to a concert in Atlanta and that fueled my thoughts on community further. Strangely enough, the environment of the concert itself got me really thinking about what community means. This show was a pretty big deal; 4 bands in one night, all in an arena in Atlanta. I hadn’t been to an arena show in a few years, and since then my taste in music has changed to favor smaller bands who frequent much smaller venues. At small shows, everyone is packed in close together and close to the stage. Everyone’s there because they love the band, and everyone’s concentrating on the music and the experience. At this arena concert, people were walking around and talking about stuff during the sets. I was really distracted by all the craziness around me and I noticed that I didn’t feel nearly as connected to the band or the experience as I normally do at a show. Then I decided that arena concerts don’t possess that feeling of community that a show at a bar or a small venue does. Later that night after the concert, I got to hang out with a friend and some friends of his. The whole time I was sitting in awe of the smothering feeling of comfortable community that I was experiencing. A couple of people were passing the guitar back and forth, playing different songs and just noodling around. A few of us would jump in with harmonies from time to time. One guy had bought a box of media equipment from a garage sale or something, and he was sorting through it and playing with it all. At one point we were all trying to remember who painted this certain abstract painting, and someone ended up looking it up on their iPhone. Then a few of us went upstairs and just sat there and listened to music. Simple as that. I left that house feeling like I had been ripped from my dream community. Those are the kind of people I want to get to know. That is the kind of community I have been craving since May. They are thinkers, philosophers, theologians, artists, comedians, and musicians. They challenged me just in that short amount of time we were hanging out. I’m disappointed that I haven’t found a community like that where I am. I guess community is an organism; it evolves and adapts throughout life. Hopefully I’ll be able to find a community where I can feel deeply connected and profoundly loved like my friend’s community.

This post was written to the tune of: In Our Bedroom After the War by Stars

So I suppose it's appropriate to write the annual "what I'm thankful for" entry, considering today is Thanksgiving day!!! First of all, I'm extremely thankful to be home for Thanksgiving this year to celebrate and share it with my family. Last year I was up in Black Mountain and it was a very difficult day because it was the first Thanksgiving I had ever spent away from home.

I'm thankful for my life and how it's turned out, even though I may not be exactly where I want to be right now. I'm thankful for my parents, who have been amazing teachers throughout my life. I'm thankful that they have never pressured me to be anything other than the person I am....that they let me major in what I wanted in college instead of pressuring me to major in something "more stable" or something that would accomodate a more lucrative career. I'm thankful for my talents, because when I stop to think about it I am talented in many ways.

I'm thankful for coffee.
I'm thankful for music, because without it I would go stark raving mad.
I'm thankful for the outdoors and that nature speaks to me so strongly.
I'm thankful for my mind, that I am able to think for myself instead of being a clone.
I'm thankful for God, because I constantly realize that I need more grace than I thought, and He is always faithful to extend that to me.
I'm thankful for my old friends, my new friends, and what they've taught me.
I'm thankful for my camera, because with it I can share how I see the world sometimes.
I'm thankful for the relationships I've had, because I know that they are working to teach me what love really is through the heartbreak.

I hope all of you reading this take a second to think about the simple stuff you're thankful for, as well as the big obvious stuff. Have a fantastic Thanksgiving, everyone!

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,

'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come round right.

I've been getting into some Rumi lately... even though he was a Persian scholar and philosopher, his poems have surprising insight into matters of faith and love. Here's one I found earlier today that struck me.

God has given us a dark wine so potent that,
drinking it, we leave the two worlds.

God has put into the form of hashish a power
to deliver the taster from self-consciousness.

God has made sleep so
that it erases every thought.

God made Majnun love Layla so much that
just her dog would cause confusion in him.

There are thousands of wines
that can take over our minds.

Don't think all ecstacies
are the same!

Jesus was lost in his love for God.
His donkey was drunk with barley.

Drink from the presence of saints,
not from those other jars.

Every object, every being,
is a jar full of delight.

Be a conoisseur,
and taste with caution.

Any wine will get you high.
Judge like a king, and choose the purest,

the ones unadulterated with fear,
or some urgency about "what's needed."

Drink the wine that moves you
as a camel moves when it's been untied,

and is just ambling about.

Here's some of my poetry that I ran across.....haven't posted them in a while, so I figured I would. (the last one's a collection of haiku I did once...)


December 8, 2005
Heart-Shaped Paper Lanterns
The pinkish shadow
Reminds me of how it felt
To meet you
And to see you now

I could pull this feeling
Craft it, fold it
Make it a vessel
For the music
Trailing after you

Don't forget
Each moment's hope
Tucked away
As the light source
Until each sense
Each piece of time
Casts a rainbow shadow

I'll take the rainbow
Tie it in my hair
To remember

January 29, 2006
Peach Tea
The sun shone in my glass
Causing an auburn glow
Similar in color to the rolling drawls
Of the modern-day Scarlets
Talking of subjects as vast as a magnolia bloom
The squeals and laughter
Rolling across my ears
As I tasted the soul of the South

I remember those girls
Who chose to soak themselves
In bows and tiny cups of porcelain
Filled with tradition
While I was immersed in the cold creeks of heritage
And christened with red clay

Now watching this dance of smiles and gestures
The air thick with perfume and words
I fade into the auburn glow
And play the part


February 18, 2005
little candy hearts
showing me my hoped fortune.
is this what love is?


the coffee's strong tonight.
the memory's aroma
relaxes to sleep.


familiar song plays;
it is summertime again
with the rain falling.


too bad i must watch
love's telling interactions.
i did know that once.


boy not expected
holds a boom box above him
serenades the queen.


home is where it is:
the heart, the problem, the x.
what to do is key.

This is one of the most awesome videos I've ever seen.

So it’s fall again. It’s a bit strange being in Georgia for fall this year because last fall I was in Asheville. It actually gets cold up there…none of this 85 degrees in October nonsense. When one season packs its things and gets ready to tip its hat farewell, I always reflect on what went on during that season. One word to summarize the summer (haha): struggle. With many, many things. Graduating yanked the rug of community out from under me quite unpleasantly. With no instant community around me, making new friends has been a bit rough. I’ve become pretty decent friends with the folks at the restaurant, all of whom are great people….just not the kind of people I’ve ever been accustomed to hanging around. I lost myself in all the shuffle and my decision making skills suffered from it. My relationship with God shrank drastically. My stubborn head was determined to fix things and get back on track. I knew in the back of my mind the whole time that I couldn’t…..it’s impossible for me to handle my problems. The changing of the season has brought a change of heart, though. I’ve seen a glimpse of life without a connection to God, and it’s awful. I realized that I was letting down God, my family, and myself. Going home for a few days last week allowed me to get away from Macon and think. I read my bible, which is something I haven’t done in months. I’ve been reading Rob Bell’s Velvet Elvis, which has at least kept my thoughts on spiritual things every once in a while. David Crowder Band’s new CD, Remedy, is very good….it has a song on it that we did at Passion 07 that I had completely forgotten about until I heard it again. The lyrics have been a huge encouragement to me lately.

At the start, He was there
He was there
In the end, He’ll be there
He’ll be there
And after all our hands have wrought
He forgives

Oh, the glory of it all
Is He came here
For the rescue of us all
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all

All is lost; find Him there
Find Him there
After night, dawn is there
Dawn is there
And after all falls apart
He repairs
He repairs

Oh, the glory of it all
Is He is here
With redemption from the fall
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all

After night
Comes a light
Dawn is here
Dawn is here
It’s a new day, a new day
Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be the same

So now the trick is remembering who I am, and living it.

Hmmm....reminds me of another person's life plan.....tee hee.

My spiritual journey of late has been really confusing...it's been a matter of fishing through a pile of stuff to find what's real and of value...what's salvageable. Being a follower of Christ is so confusing and complicated sometimes. I love reverting back to the simple truths of Christianity: God loves us and is always there. Jesus was sent to pay the ultimate price and lived the ultimate life...it's a good idea to try and do what he did and follow his examples. I've found that nature speaks in such a spiritual way to me because it's so simple...how can you not see the presence of something bigger than yourself when you look at nature? It's obvious. It's simple. Anyways...I was listening to the always awesome Sufjan Stevens the other day and found a song that I've been listening to a lot lately as an encouragement in the confusion...and a reminder that things are fundamentally simple.

I always knew you in your mother's arms
I have called your name
I've an idea placed in your mind to be a better man
I've made a crown for you; put it in your room
And when the bridegroom comes there will be noise
There will be glad and a perfect bed
And when you write a poem, I know the words
I know the sounds before you write it down
When you wear your clothes I wear them too
I wear your shoes and your jacket too
I always knew you in your mother's arms
I have called you son
I've made amends between father and son
Or if you haven't one, rest in my arms
Sleep in my bed; there's a design to what I did and said
Rest in my arms, sleep in my bed
There's a design to what I did and said

I absolutely love it when my mind gets blown. It's such a breath for your life...you think one certain way about something for a long, long time...and then out of nowhere, you hit a sharp turn and come to realize that things can be new.

I especially love it when the discovery of new music blows my mind and totally changes my perception of what it is. I remember clear as day when I discovered mind-blowing music. It was at my Aunt's old house. My family would spend a couple of weeks there every summer and it was a blast. Not only did she have a pool (and unlimited pop-ices) but her house was a sprawling ranch style...so that made for some awesome exploring. This particular afternoon I was snooping around my cousins' bedrooms, which I often did (sorry, Adam and Sam). I ran across some of Sam's CDs and was looking through them and I found Dave Matthews Band Under the Table and Dreaming. I put it in, and Ants Marching started to play....and my mind was blown wide open. I grew up listening to Christian music because I have a really sticky brain when it comes to songs (my dad has a story about me singing every word to a Madonna song at age 2 if you want proof). Although I have some reservations about the Christian music industry, most of the stuff I was listening to was the good stuff....Third Day's early stuff, DC Talk's early stuff...but when I heard that DMB song something just snapped, and I've been totally addicted to the world of music ever since. I guess what reminded me of this is when I was listening to Sufjan Stevens yesterday. I remember the first time I heard Chicago it blew my mind and got me hooked on indie stuff.

I tend to be a realist (or pessimist, whichever you prefer) about things in life, so most of the time I see the worst case scenarios in my mind. Thinking about mind-blowing experiences, though, encourages me. I know that there have been many things I've seen and heard that have totally changed my brain waves, but there are so many more I have yet to experience. There are National Parks I haven't been to...cities I haven't seen...I haven't performed my music in front of people yet...I haven't had my photography in a gallery...I haven't walked down the aisle or become a mother. All of this stuff is going to blow my brains out....and it's gonna be awesome. That's enough to get me through the mundane sometimes.

I can think of many, many ways. Have the new friends I've been making at work seeing me? Somehow I don't think so. I'm pretty sure they're seeing some weird freaked out version of myself.

Yes, it's uncanny to see
You'd really think it was me
I do the best imitation of myself

Learning about yourself is an interesting experience. I am constantly finding out things about myself and I continue to become more and more complex as I dive deeper into self discovery. I am having fun with it, though. In a lot of ways I have found a new sense of self confidence because I really like some of the new things I'm discovering about me.

I saw Mr. Brooks the other day with a friend of mine...it was quite a humorous situation. We were basically on top of each other by the time the movie was over. It was well written/directed, but it was just really intense...and there was lots of killing...which I don't really like. I'm looking forward to seeing Ocean's 13, Evan Almighty, Silver Surfer, and Ratatouille.

I've been listening to some really good music lately, too. I recently bought Feist's The Reminder, which is a really good album. It's different from her first one in several ways...it's not as jazzy, the tracks are a bit more "produced," and it's all original material. Her first album, Let it Die, only has a couple of originals and the rest are covers. In case you're wondering Feist is Leslie Feist, one of the members of Broken Social Scene...and this is her solo stuff. Think Norah Jones with more of an indie twist...kinda. I've also been listening to Bright Eyes' I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning, which is really good....it's not really his typical Emo stuff. It's really folksy and EmmyLou Harris sings backup on several of the tracks. Let's see, what else...I bought KT Tunstall's album Eye to the Telescope and it's been a pleasant surprise. I'm usually hesitant about buying CDs that have a lot of playtime on the radio, because usually the radio plays the only good songs on the album and the rest of it is horrible. Her whole album is really good, though. It's really diverse in its sound...the songs have good variety to them.

I'm actually going to see Feist with Grizzly Bear this Friday at Variety Playhouse, which I'm excited about....it should be a really good show. I'm sure Feist will be awesome, and I've read nothing but good things about Grizzly Bear.

Just felt like I was due for an update...another one will soon come, hopefully.