Thoughts...in the key of me.

Hmmm....reminds me of another person's life plan.....tee hee.

My spiritual journey of late has been really confusing...it's been a matter of fishing through a pile of stuff to find what's real and of value...what's salvageable. Being a follower of Christ is so confusing and complicated sometimes. I love reverting back to the simple truths of Christianity: God loves us and is always there. Jesus was sent to pay the ultimate price and lived the ultimate life...it's a good idea to try and do what he did and follow his examples. I've found that nature speaks in such a spiritual way to me because it's so simple...how can you not see the presence of something bigger than yourself when you look at nature? It's obvious. It's simple. Anyways...I was listening to the always awesome Sufjan Stevens the other day and found a song that I've been listening to a lot lately as an encouragement in the confusion...and a reminder that things are fundamentally simple.

I always knew you in your mother's arms
I have called your name
I've an idea placed in your mind to be a better man
I've made a crown for you; put it in your room
And when the bridegroom comes there will be noise
There will be glad and a perfect bed
And when you write a poem, I know the words
I know the sounds before you write it down
When you wear your clothes I wear them too
I wear your shoes and your jacket too
I always knew you in your mother's arms
I have called you son
I've made amends between father and son
Or if you haven't one, rest in my arms
Sleep in my bed; there's a design to what I did and said
Rest in my arms, sleep in my bed
There's a design to what I did and said

I absolutely love it when my mind gets blown. It's such a breath for your life...you think one certain way about something for a long, long time...and then out of nowhere, you hit a sharp turn and come to realize that things can be new.

I especially love it when the discovery of new music blows my mind and totally changes my perception of what it is. I remember clear as day when I discovered mind-blowing music. It was at my Aunt's old house. My family would spend a couple of weeks there every summer and it was a blast. Not only did she have a pool (and unlimited pop-ices) but her house was a sprawling ranch style...so that made for some awesome exploring. This particular afternoon I was snooping around my cousins' bedrooms, which I often did (sorry, Adam and Sam). I ran across some of Sam's CDs and was looking through them and I found Dave Matthews Band Under the Table and Dreaming. I put it in, and Ants Marching started to play....and my mind was blown wide open. I grew up listening to Christian music because I have a really sticky brain when it comes to songs (my dad has a story about me singing every word to a Madonna song at age 2 if you want proof). Although I have some reservations about the Christian music industry, most of the stuff I was listening to was the good stuff....Third Day's early stuff, DC Talk's early stuff...but when I heard that DMB song something just snapped, and I've been totally addicted to the world of music ever since. I guess what reminded me of this is when I was listening to Sufjan Stevens yesterday. I remember the first time I heard Chicago it blew my mind and got me hooked on indie stuff.

I tend to be a realist (or pessimist, whichever you prefer) about things in life, so most of the time I see the worst case scenarios in my mind. Thinking about mind-blowing experiences, though, encourages me. I know that there have been many things I've seen and heard that have totally changed my brain waves, but there are so many more I have yet to experience. There are National Parks I haven't been to...cities I haven't seen...I haven't performed my music in front of people yet...I haven't had my photography in a gallery...I haven't walked down the aisle or become a mother. All of this stuff is going to blow my brains out....and it's gonna be awesome. That's enough to get me through the mundane sometimes.

I can think of many, many ways. Have the new friends I've been making at work seeing me? Somehow I don't think so. I'm pretty sure they're seeing some weird freaked out version of myself.

Yes, it's uncanny to see
You'd really think it was me
I do the best imitation of myself

Learning about yourself is an interesting experience. I am constantly finding out things about myself and I continue to become more and more complex as I dive deeper into self discovery. I am having fun with it, though. In a lot of ways I have found a new sense of self confidence because I really like some of the new things I'm discovering about me.

I saw Mr. Brooks the other day with a friend of mine...it was quite a humorous situation. We were basically on top of each other by the time the movie was over. It was well written/directed, but it was just really intense...and there was lots of killing...which I don't really like. I'm looking forward to seeing Ocean's 13, Evan Almighty, Silver Surfer, and Ratatouille.

I've been listening to some really good music lately, too. I recently bought Feist's The Reminder, which is a really good album. It's different from her first one in several ways...it's not as jazzy, the tracks are a bit more "produced," and it's all original material. Her first album, Let it Die, only has a couple of originals and the rest are covers. In case you're wondering Feist is Leslie Feist, one of the members of Broken Social Scene...and this is her solo stuff. Think Norah Jones with more of an indie twist...kinda. I've also been listening to Bright Eyes' I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning, which is really good....it's not really his typical Emo stuff. It's really folksy and EmmyLou Harris sings backup on several of the tracks. Let's see, what else...I bought KT Tunstall's album Eye to the Telescope and it's been a pleasant surprise. I'm usually hesitant about buying CDs that have a lot of playtime on the radio, because usually the radio plays the only good songs on the album and the rest of it is horrible. Her whole album is really good, though. It's really diverse in its sound...the songs have good variety to them.

I'm actually going to see Feist with Grizzly Bear this Friday at Variety Playhouse, which I'm excited about....it should be a really good show. I'm sure Feist will be awesome, and I've read nothing but good things about Grizzly Bear.

Just felt like I was due for an update...another one will soon come, hopefully.

A new summer finds me in a new location once again. Every summer I have been somewhere different...which has been a really cool experience. During college I spent a summer in Dalton, a summer in Richmond VA, a summer in Yellowstone National Park, and a summer in Asheville NC. They're all great places and they all patched up my rough places in their own ways. This summer finds me in Macon. I think it will be a good thing; it has the potential to be if I'm willing to put in my effort. As usual I have the goals of reading, writing, practicing my guitar, and excercising regularly in my free time. I have a pretty large amount of free time, which is strange. I don't work until evenings so I have every day to do whatever I want. I also have cable tv for the first time in months, so that's fantastic...even though that's pretty sad. Haha...

The other night I was thinking about the art of being single. I'm reading Captivating, which is a book by the guy who wrote Wild at Heart and his wife. It's basically the female version of Wild at Heart. It has some interesting perspective about life as a woman and different aspects of it. Through reading this and thinking about the stuff it says in relation to being single...I've basically decided I should really be acting my age here. I've been moping around pathetically the past few weeks because my boyfriend broke up with me. No matter how much I say I'm independent or how strong I appear to be, my identity was there. I was validated and ok as a female because I had a boyfriend.....and that's just ridiculous. I'm 23 for crying out loud...I should be totally fine on my own. I should be enjoying the time without a driving career, without screaming kids, without major bills to pay. I shouldn't be defeated...I shouldn't be carrying my cell phone in my pocket continuously hoping somebody male will call. I've always been the strong willed, independent one. I've always been fine on my own and able to find creative ways to make the most of my time. Although being a "late bloomer" has its advantages, it's really getting annoying. I feel like I'm behind most people my age in a lot of ways. Another part of this delicate balance is that I really can't do much of anything to bring about these changes in myself because I've tried it before and it's blown up in my face. Lately I've been really trying to read my Bible a lot and look for truth there, and I've been writing things out in my prayer journal and just being brutally honest with God. I've been telling him what I'm sick of and what annoys me. I know that he's taking care of me and that I really shouldn't worry, because I have a feeling that 10 years from now I'll be wishing I had the free time I have now. I guess I'm having to re-learn what matters.

You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong

You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

And I could write it down
or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea

You put me on a line
And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I
Decided to go to sea

You cut me down to size
And opened up my eyes
Made me realize
What I could not see

And I could write a book
The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took
It took it back from me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
And you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

Oh what good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see

Are the streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

You belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

~Coldplay, Swallowed in the Sea~

So my version of earth has been both shaken and stirred these past few days. And so it goes...you think you know what trail you're on and where it's headed, and then suddenly you find yourself bushwhacking. Aside from that, lately I've been thinking about the balancing act required of anybody who calls themselves a Christ-follower. There are several aspects of the faith which require a balance, but the one I've been mulling over specifically is the issue of self-worth. We are taught (and the Bible says) that without Christ we are nothing and can do nothing, but then again we are also assured that we can have confidence in our worth as a creation of God. I have to be selfless in order to effectively imitate Christ, but being selfless requires some measure of introspection which is selfish in nature.

These recent events have made me lose most, if not all, of my confidence in my ability to live a life striving to follow and learn from Christ. The things I have been doing for the past 3 years, really, have not indicated that I even have a desire to follow Christ. My emotions feel electrocuted, in a way. I feel numb and unable to move myself. I cannot change any of these circumstances directly. I can make steps to try and alleviate the temptations, but ultimately it is not up to me to use my will or my self-control to solve things. This is putting me in a very strange place. I can't do anything to fix things... I can't control what's going to happen to me in the next year and I know that I will never really gain control over it. But, at the same time, I need to have confidence in myself knowing that if I'm really seeking to follow Christ I'll be going where He wants me to go. This is all very strange...I feel like I'm floating in limbo with no indication of what's going to happen to me. I guess this is where God wants all of us at some point...at a place of total dependence on Him. I feel like that's where I am...I have found the most solace in my Bible, my prayer journal, and my out-loud conversations with God in the car or in the shower. I have no clue what's going to happen. None. I've at least had a pretty strong feeling of direction in the past. Basically I know what I want and have gotten a taste of it....the carrot was dangling in front of me, and I ripped the carrot off of its string and threw it away. I don't know if I'm going to get another carrot. I'm scared that I have messed up something that could have possibly been the best thing.

I was listening to a morning show on the radio on my way to school today, and I got really frustrated with the media and how it handles things. The topic at hand on this particular show was if the President of VA Tech should be fired for not handling the situation properly. It angers me that people want to start pointing fingers and stirring up controversy already. At least give us, and more importantly VA Tech, time to grieve before all that gets brought up.

I wish I could be up in Blacksburg today to hug my friends. These are kids I went to high school with; kids who were in youth group with me; kids who mean a lot to me and have made impressions on my life.

I'm getting restless. I'm ready for a change...ready to fall into something different. I kinda get this way after I've been somewhere for 4ish years. I'm tired of Macon and I'm ready for a new place and new experiences. I thought I was going to get to do that in France, but since that's not working out I'm having to find an alternative. Moving to Athens is looking more and more appealing for a number of reasons.

I'm also ready to get back on track with God. I've felt a huge disconnect from him lately and I know that if things still go how they're going, I'm going to have some big changes in life relatively soon and I will/do need him desperately. It's frustrating to try to get back on track by myself, but I almost feel like I have to because I've never found a solid home church in Macon. I've skipped around but I've ultimately ended up frustrated and left. I feel like I'm trying to disciple myself, which isn't good. I think I really need someone to pour into me and help me through things. I'm not sure how to go about finding that person.

I'm wearing my Chacos today. The feel of them on my feet gives my legs a sort of energy, as if my body remembers the adventures I've had while wearing them. They've gotten me to mountains and back and they've seen the dust of many trails and the silt of a few rivers. When I close my eyes and feel their contour, feel the straps holding my toes, I can see where I've been. I've seen bigger things. I've seen morning mists floating off of the river. I've looked over miles of green from high places. There is nothing like that feeling; nothing like becoming part of this mass of rock or water that could consume you, but allows you to partake of it in that moment. There's nothing like that smell of morning river or the sensation of the wind stealing air from your throat. There's nothing like being part of something big.

I found out Tuesday that I didn't get accepted to go to France for a year through Campus Crusade, but it's ok. Other big things exist.

Well, it's Spring Break. Hard to believe that we're here already. That means only a couple of months until I graduate and am forever done with this thing called college. It's scary, in ways. In most other ways it is a relief beyond relief. It seems like life will get simpler after this, but I know in the back of my mind it only gets harder from here.

I think I will always, always love going to shows. Seeing mewithoutYou last night was needed. If you're not a music lover it's hard to explain how going to a show is such a recharge. Not only was it a show fix, but mewithoutYou's lyrics are amazing and approach relationship with God in some interesting ways.

Work is going well...I'm making excellent money at the restaurant, so I'm planning on staying in Macon this summer whether or not I get accepted to go to France. Oh yes, that's something else going on. I've applied to go on a stint with Campus Crusade for a year starting at the end of August. I'm really excited about it, because I think this is the perfect time to go. It will be hard leaving family and boyfriend behind, but it's something I need to do. Anyway, back to work...it's going well. It's always interesting when a Christian enters a new workplace. Even though I have not said word one about my faith or whatever and have not been annoying about it, my coworkers have already attached certain stereotypes to me. It's funny how that works...and it's also very sad because most of the stereotypes assigned to Christians are true. I think more Christians should, while still being in line with God of course, fight to break these stereotypes.

So things are generally going well. I think the lesson I'm trying to learn lately is that I don't learn from my mistakes.

Open wide my door my Lord, my Lord
Open wide my door
To whatever makes me love You more...

More song lyrics...I promise I'll be creative again soon.

Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we've come
Let the pain burn away from our hearts
We have time to start all over again

Well if you would shine your love down here
And make our hearts as perfect as new
Oh if you would shine your love down here
I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise we'll reflect it right back at you

~Copeland, When Finally Set Free~

Loving a person just the way they are
It's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way
Hold on to me and I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain and reaching out and tryin'
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces, baby
And only one makes you free
Hold on to me and I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go lookin' for offense, we're gonna find it
If we go lookin' for real love, we're gonna find it

Hold on to me and I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

Loving a person just the way they are
That's no small thing
That's the whole thing
Loving me just the way I am
It's no small thing
It takes some time

~Sara Groves~

So sorry for the lack of postings as of late...school starting back and all, you know. I really don't have much of substance to talk about, so I'll list some rocking awesome music I've been hooked on lately. These are all worth seeking out.

Sleeping At Last- Keep No Score
MuteMath- MuteMath
Sufjan Stevens- Come On Feel The Illinoise!
mewithoutYou- Brother, Sister
Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.- The Chronicles of a Bohemian Teenager
Copeland- Eat, Sleep, Repeat
The Album Leaf- Into The Blue Again
Snow Patrol- Final Straw

There ya go. And since I can't really think of much to say, here are some song lyrics that are good at saying what I can't.

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time
~Snow Patrol, Chocolate~

I've been thinking about relationships the past couple of days. Sadly, it seems to be a subject I cannot avoid no matter how hard I try. Perhaps that is because, as humans, we were created to be in relation with each other...whether romantically or otherwise. It's really hard to remember that and be ok with it- especially in a culture like ours. A friend of mine asked me once why girls "play games" so much. I thought about it, and suggested that our culture has shifted to this paradigm of the strong woman. Society is encouraging women to be strong and independent; to pursue goals, dreams, and careers. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this...except that now women have this idea pushed on them from culture that they do not need a relationship in their lives. I think that women often battle themselves because culture says they do not need a relationship to be successful...that they can be just as career oriented as men and be fine. However, as women we are specifically made to want or yearn for a relationship. So then we have this fight within us between the woman who is straining to be ok as an individual and the girl who is longing to become part of someone else, too.

Whew. Now on to what I originally intended to blog about... Another friend and I were sitting around talking about crushes we've had, crushes other people had, who ended up getting engaged, and all that fun stuff. She jokingly told me that I won the prize for having the most guys have a crush on me. Although I know for certain she did not mean any harm in that comment, it hit me harder than I thought it would. I started thinking about that....about how I've gained somewhat of a reputation in college of being a heartbreaker. I guess I went crazy...I only dated one guy all through high school, and we dated for about 2 years. He was the first guy I had ever dated. Since then, just in my 4 years of college, I've dated like 9 guys or something...and kissed way more than I ever should have. I then started thinking that I would have rather been the girl who never was really liked and didn't date much, but found love in the first guy she seriously dated and ended up getting married. Although, I'm sure that has it's downsides too...because I know a couple of those girls and they seriously questioned themselves until they found that one guy. I just didn't think that getting so much attention would be so detrimental. At this point it's like when guy likes me and tells me, it's all been said. I've heard it all before and it's not that special. That's really sad to me. I guess if and when I find the guy I'm supposed to be with, all of those things that have been said and soiled and run over will somehow regain their sparkle and magic. Then again, life is not a chick flick.

All of this has really been verbal vomit...just thoughts. But that's what a blog is, isn't it? So beautiful...

nonsense

the monster under my bed is teaching me to tap dance
twirling around like the tiny ballerina in a box
but i am so clumsy
therefore i fell off my tuffet
and- being quite contrary-
i let down my long hair

my smile is too hot-
my frown is too cold-
but a blank gaze is just right
to keep me from falling too far
into the briar patch
jumping over the candlestick
who sings a French song
of waiting for love's first kiss

the slipper may fit
and i may follow that yellow road
but i seem to have left something
behind- in the looking glass with Alice

and i fear i've become a real boy.