Thoughts...in the key of me.

I was listening to a morning show on the radio on my way to school today, and I got really frustrated with the media and how it handles things. The topic at hand on this particular show was if the President of VA Tech should be fired for not handling the situation properly. It angers me that people want to start pointing fingers and stirring up controversy already. At least give us, and more importantly VA Tech, time to grieve before all that gets brought up.

I wish I could be up in Blacksburg today to hug my friends. These are kids I went to high school with; kids who were in youth group with me; kids who mean a lot to me and have made impressions on my life.

I'm getting restless. I'm ready for a change...ready to fall into something different. I kinda get this way after I've been somewhere for 4ish years. I'm tired of Macon and I'm ready for a new place and new experiences. I thought I was going to get to do that in France, but since that's not working out I'm having to find an alternative. Moving to Athens is looking more and more appealing for a number of reasons.

I'm also ready to get back on track with God. I've felt a huge disconnect from him lately and I know that if things still go how they're going, I'm going to have some big changes in life relatively soon and I will/do need him desperately. It's frustrating to try to get back on track by myself, but I almost feel like I have to because I've never found a solid home church in Macon. I've skipped around but I've ultimately ended up frustrated and left. I feel like I'm trying to disciple myself, which isn't good. I think I really need someone to pour into me and help me through things. I'm not sure how to go about finding that person.

I'm wearing my Chacos today. The feel of them on my feet gives my legs a sort of energy, as if my body remembers the adventures I've had while wearing them. They've gotten me to mountains and back and they've seen the dust of many trails and the silt of a few rivers. When I close my eyes and feel their contour, feel the straps holding my toes, I can see where I've been. I've seen bigger things. I've seen morning mists floating off of the river. I've looked over miles of green from high places. There is nothing like that feeling; nothing like becoming part of this mass of rock or water that could consume you, but allows you to partake of it in that moment. There's nothing like that smell of morning river or the sensation of the wind stealing air from your throat. There's nothing like being part of something big.

I found out Tuesday that I didn't get accepted to go to France for a year through Campus Crusade, but it's ok. Other big things exist.

Well, it's Spring Break. Hard to believe that we're here already. That means only a couple of months until I graduate and am forever done with this thing called college. It's scary, in ways. In most other ways it is a relief beyond relief. It seems like life will get simpler after this, but I know in the back of my mind it only gets harder from here.

I think I will always, always love going to shows. Seeing mewithoutYou last night was needed. If you're not a music lover it's hard to explain how going to a show is such a recharge. Not only was it a show fix, but mewithoutYou's lyrics are amazing and approach relationship with God in some interesting ways.

Work is going well...I'm making excellent money at the restaurant, so I'm planning on staying in Macon this summer whether or not I get accepted to go to France. Oh yes, that's something else going on. I've applied to go on a stint with Campus Crusade for a year starting at the end of August. I'm really excited about it, because I think this is the perfect time to go. It will be hard leaving family and boyfriend behind, but it's something I need to do. Anyway, back to work...it's going well. It's always interesting when a Christian enters a new workplace. Even though I have not said word one about my faith or whatever and have not been annoying about it, my coworkers have already attached certain stereotypes to me. It's funny how that works...and it's also very sad because most of the stereotypes assigned to Christians are true. I think more Christians should, while still being in line with God of course, fight to break these stereotypes.

So things are generally going well. I think the lesson I'm trying to learn lately is that I don't learn from my mistakes.

Open wide my door my Lord, my Lord
Open wide my door
To whatever makes me love You more...

More song lyrics...I promise I'll be creative again soon.

Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we've come
Let the pain burn away from our hearts
We have time to start all over again

Well if you would shine your love down here
And make our hearts as perfect as new
Oh if you would shine your love down here
I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise we'll reflect it right back at you

~Copeland, When Finally Set Free~

Loving a person just the way they are
It's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way
Hold on to me and I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain and reaching out and tryin'
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces, baby
And only one makes you free
Hold on to me and I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go lookin' for offense, we're gonna find it
If we go lookin' for real love, we're gonna find it

Hold on to me and I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

Loving a person just the way they are
That's no small thing
That's the whole thing
Loving me just the way I am
It's no small thing
It takes some time

~Sara Groves~

So sorry for the lack of postings as of late...school starting back and all, you know. I really don't have much of substance to talk about, so I'll list some rocking awesome music I've been hooked on lately. These are all worth seeking out.

Sleeping At Last- Keep No Score
MuteMath- MuteMath
Sufjan Stevens- Come On Feel The Illinoise!
mewithoutYou- Brother, Sister
Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.- The Chronicles of a Bohemian Teenager
Copeland- Eat, Sleep, Repeat
The Album Leaf- Into The Blue Again
Snow Patrol- Final Straw

There ya go. And since I can't really think of much to say, here are some song lyrics that are good at saying what I can't.

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time
~Snow Patrol, Chocolate~

I've been thinking about relationships the past couple of days. Sadly, it seems to be a subject I cannot avoid no matter how hard I try. Perhaps that is because, as humans, we were created to be in relation with each other...whether romantically or otherwise. It's really hard to remember that and be ok with it- especially in a culture like ours. A friend of mine asked me once why girls "play games" so much. I thought about it, and suggested that our culture has shifted to this paradigm of the strong woman. Society is encouraging women to be strong and independent; to pursue goals, dreams, and careers. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this...except that now women have this idea pushed on them from culture that they do not need a relationship in their lives. I think that women often battle themselves because culture says they do not need a relationship to be successful...that they can be just as career oriented as men and be fine. However, as women we are specifically made to want or yearn for a relationship. So then we have this fight within us between the woman who is straining to be ok as an individual and the girl who is longing to become part of someone else, too.

Whew. Now on to what I originally intended to blog about... Another friend and I were sitting around talking about crushes we've had, crushes other people had, who ended up getting engaged, and all that fun stuff. She jokingly told me that I won the prize for having the most guys have a crush on me. Although I know for certain she did not mean any harm in that comment, it hit me harder than I thought it would. I started thinking about that....about how I've gained somewhat of a reputation in college of being a heartbreaker. I guess I went crazy...I only dated one guy all through high school, and we dated for about 2 years. He was the first guy I had ever dated. Since then, just in my 4 years of college, I've dated like 9 guys or something...and kissed way more than I ever should have. I then started thinking that I would have rather been the girl who never was really liked and didn't date much, but found love in the first guy she seriously dated and ended up getting married. Although, I'm sure that has it's downsides too...because I know a couple of those girls and they seriously questioned themselves until they found that one guy. I just didn't think that getting so much attention would be so detrimental. At this point it's like when guy likes me and tells me, it's all been said. I've heard it all before and it's not that special. That's really sad to me. I guess if and when I find the guy I'm supposed to be with, all of those things that have been said and soiled and run over will somehow regain their sparkle and magic. Then again, life is not a chick flick.

All of this has really been verbal vomit...just thoughts. But that's what a blog is, isn't it? So beautiful...

nonsense

the monster under my bed is teaching me to tap dance
twirling around like the tiny ballerina in a box
but i am so clumsy
therefore i fell off my tuffet
and- being quite contrary-
i let down my long hair

my smile is too hot-
my frown is too cold-
but a blank gaze is just right
to keep me from falling too far
into the briar patch
jumping over the candlestick
who sings a French song
of waiting for love's first kiss

the slipper may fit
and i may follow that yellow road
but i seem to have left something
behind- in the looking glass with Alice

and i fear i've become a real boy.

Its coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh, I wish I had a river
I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

-Joni Mitchell-

I'm sitting here in Tampa General Hospital watching my Popi die. It's a strange thing, really. I know it's been said countless times that life is one big cycle...but it is so much more evident when you witness its completion. When we are born, we crawl around in diapers. We are not able to function totally on our own. We are dependant on others to feed us and dress us. Likewise, before we die, we lie there in diapers. We are dependant on an IV drip to give us nourishment. Others have to take care of us and make us comfortable. Life really is a cycle. It's fascinating how the joining of the two sides of life takes place. Birth is a stressful event with pushing, squeezing, pulling, and finally that gasp of air to initiate us into life. Death completes the cycle with blood straining to push through the veins...squeezing every ounce of energy from the body into the effort to live...pulling nutrients from the IV and from elsewhere...and finally that gasp of air to put the period at the end of the novel of life.

I hate to quote a song at a time like this...I wish I could come up with my own words. Perhaps I will soon. In the meantime, this song won't leave my head.

And it came to me then that every plan
Is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself
That I’d already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
And I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose
Than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself

‘Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes ‘round and everyone lifts their heads
But I’m thinking of what Sara said
That love is watching someone die...

So who’s gonna watch you die?

The cold is always so brilliant. I've always marvelled at how a drop in temperature makes things sparkle and fill with magic. Bushes that were once dull from fall's dryness gain new color and life.

It's interesting how the cold brings people together. Practically speaking, people have to draw together during the colder months for warmth. Think about it, though. In the old days before electricity, the hearth was the central gathering place for the family. In the fall and winter months when the temperature began to plummet, the family was forced to gather around the fire. I can picture a mother knitting, a father smoking a pipe and perhaps reading something, and the children either quietly playing or studying their chatechism. It's a very Little House image. I suppose that's because I read the books as a child. I could now go on a tirade about how society has thrust the family into a whirlwind of endless appointments, activities, tv shows, and cell phone ringers...butI won't. I think that the hearth still has that magnetic quality. I remember one time when I was in high school there was a bad ice storm. We were living in Virginia at the time, so it was a common occurance in the winter to get at least one good storm. After having lived in Georgia all my life, it was always a joy to wake up to more brilliant sunlight penetrating my shades because of the snow's whiteness. It was always a joy to have a snow day. But, in this instance we only had nasty ice to deal with. Everything looked eerie...as if the ice wasn't a solid, but some sinister ooze bent on consuming everything alive. I remember loving the simplicity of that storm, because the power outage forced the family into the living room around the hearth for a couple of days. We amused ourselves by playing cards, dominoes, and mankala. That magnetic effect, although a necessity at that moment, was still present. The cold produced magic then.

Tonight when I'm walking downtown, I'm going to pay attention to how the cold makes magic. I'm going to pay attention to how it fits people and flatters them. I'm going to see it put a quick liveliness in their step and a rush to their breath. Tonight, I'll be breathing out fairy dust.

There's something about closing...something about clearing away and finishing...that's so deliciously final. When my desk is messy, there's something so fulfilling about putting things in their proper order and re-creating planned space. Slamming a book shut after you've finished a chapter has this same feeling. It's accomplishment...it's peace about the job...it's reflection on your work...it's a temporary silence in your mind. Too bad life as a whole can't be like that. As soon as you close something, another thing opens.

I love Asheville. Not only is it a city nestled in the rippling Blue Ridge mountains, but it is also one of the most unique cities I've ever experienced. There are always people walking around downtown. Some are your typical business men and women on a mission, but some are content to sit on the park benches strewn throughout the city and play on a harmonica. When you drive past the bars on any given night, you are sure to see people sitting around sharing a pint with friends and talking. The Asheville drum circle meets every Friday night (as long as it's warm out) in the park. I'd guess 50 to 75 people sit around the park, playing their drums. I'd guess that the same amount of people come to dance and experience the energy of it all. Some of them belly dance, some of them have light-up hoola hoops and sticks to twirl, and some are just jumping around. There are art galleries all over the city, and you come up on them in the middle of rows of shops. This city has one of the best selections of restaurants I've ever seen. There's lots of ethnic food...Thai, Indian, Japanese, Chinese, French. There's a place called the Asheville Brewing Co. where you can get some of the best pizza ever, a pint of their own brew, and they show movies on the big screen. It's really cool. Everyone in the city seems to enjoy life in small ways. Everyone seems to value being healthy and taking care of your body...I think this is what has rubbed off on me the most, considering I'm now trying to switch my diet over to all-natural/organic foods. Asheville is most definitely diverse, and it reminds me of Paris in that respect. I hope all of you get to experience a place where life is so...green.

So I've decided to move my blog to this address. I will make a more substantial post very soon...