Thoughts...in the key of me.

Considering lilies

2010-02-06T13:54:00.002-05:00

'Consider the lilies of the field'- They grow where they are put. Many of us refuse to grow where we are put, consequently we take root nowhere. Jesus says that if we obey the life God has given us, He will look after all the other things. Has Jesus Christ told us a lie? If we are not experiencing the 'much more,' it is because we are not obeying the life God has given us, we are taken up with confusing considerations.

-Oswald Chambers-

Muddy Boots

2009-11-04T12:09:00.002-05:00

Hello, all! Just an update...I had another appointment yesterday (they're happening weekly now), and everything's going well. I've gained 24lbs overall, so that's right on the money...not too much, not too little. My blood pressure and other levels were good, and his heartbeat is strong. They ordered another ultrasound next week so we can tell how big Ridge is...she said that she would guess he's around 5lbs, but since I'm tall and long she said it's hard for her to tell. She would rather know exactly what we're dealing with as far as his size goes. So, we'll see how big he is! I'm hoping I don't have an 8 or 9 pounder curled up in there...haha...

In other news, I'm just starting to feel anxious in these weeks leading up to birth. I'm still doing a lot of reading about labor and delivery, and I'll have a couple of childbirth classes at the hospital to attend. Hopefully they'll be informative. I was thinking the other day that this whole process has been so involved- lots of emotional stress, feeling every emotion humanly possible, a lot of spiritual distress, and in these last couple of months the physical discomfort has kicked in as well. Allow me to use an outdoorsy analogy, because that's how I think: When you plan a hike or a backpacking trip, you look over your maps and information. You plan the best route to take, you consider the terrain, the weather, the local wildlife, etc. You pack your supplies, making sure you have everything you might need. Eventually, though, there comes a point in all the plan-making when you just want to put your boots on, get out there, and get muddy. I have reached the point where I just wanna get my boots muddy. I'm ready to go. But, Ridge will come when his body's ready. (Cool factoid: It's not the mother's body that initiates labor...it's the baby! When it is ready and fully developed, it secretes a hormone that starts the labor process. I think that is VERY cool...)

So now I learn to graciously wait...but I have my boots on standby.

Update

2009-10-21T11:55:00.003-04:00

Hello, readers! Here's a little update for you. I'm at 34 weeks and everything is moving along nicely. My weight and measurements are good...I am a bit anemic, so I had to start taking iron pills recently. Other than that, I'm just getting as prepared as I can for Ridge's arrival! I have a shower this weekend, so that's exciting. I'm also reading as much as I can about labor and delivery. Basically my plan is to gather as much information as I can about the process and different ways to cope with labor, then have all of those in mind and do what feels right to my body when the time comes. I'm hoping to have as natural a birth as possible, although I understand the need for medication might become a necessity if problems arise. My thoughts are that women have been doing this since the beginning of humanity, so there's a reason why each woman's body responds to labor differently. I'm really hoping to be able to allow my body to go through the whole birth cycle without the intervention of drugs for pain or to speed delivery. We'll see how it goes...I'm not really going to make a concrete "birth plan," because I know it would probably get scrapped anyway. I'm just going to do what feels right to my body...and hopefully the hospital staff won't make me stay in bed. That's the last thing I want to do. I feel like I'd much rather be moving around and doing what feels good to my body during labor than stuck on my back with a bunch of instruments strapped to me. We'll see how things work out.

How It All Begins...

2009-09-02T13:00:00.002-04:00

Well, since my last update a few decisions have been made...which is a HUGE relief. I've decided to parent, so that means it's time to get ready for my son's arrival in 3 short months!! Everything has jumped to warp speed, it feels like. I was given a gorgeous baby bed, a changing table, a high chair, and a few other things. We've started getting Hannah's old room ready to be the baby's room. The walls are peach with one brown accent wall, but I don't really mind. Color is color...and I should be able to accent with other colors to make everything work. I'm going to be registering for some stuff in the next few days because I already have a shower on the calendar, so that's exciting.

Picking out a name is also on the list...although Ridge Joseph Hixon is the front-runner right now. (Just 'Ridge', or 'Ridgeland' with 'Ridge' for short? Opinions, please...'Ridgeland' almost sounds too preppy to me, but I'm not sure.)

I've also started researching labor and delivery options. Since I'm on Medicaid I don't know how much freedom I'll have to request different labor methods...I probably won't have much at all. I'm researching them anyway because they couldn't really stop me from getting out of bed and having an active labor unless something's going wrong and I have to stay in bed.

I'm 27 weeks and feeling good...I haven't reached the point of discomfort in the pregnancy, although I'm sure that's coming in the next few weeks. Everything's gone very smoothly so far and he's growing and jumping around like he's supposed to.

I'll keep the updates coming as November 27th draws ever closer...

Life Update, for those of you interested

2009-07-31T17:13:00.001-04:00

Hello, blogland…I promised an update, so here it is! I’ve had a very intense 5 months. Back in April I moved from Macon to Dalton to live with my parents for a little while. I found out the last week of February that I’m pregnant…expecting my first child around Thanksgiving. The past year has been one big mess of confusion in my life. I forgot who I was and started acting like what other people were. I all but turned my back on my faith and the God who has gotten me through so much in life. I can’t really pinpoint when I got lost or where the wrong turn was, but I do know it’s been a long process. It started my senior year at Mercer and has been going on since then. I started ignoring truth. I lost confidence in myself, my gut instincts, and my ability to make wise decisions and started listening WAY too much to other people and what they thought I should be doing. I lost confidence in God- that He would direct me to a lasting, meaningful relationship in HIS time…not mine. Because of that I ended up in an on-again, off-again relationship with a guy from work in Macon. I really ended up stringing him along because I didn’t have the stability to believe my gut instincts that this wasn’t the relationship for me. I didn’t believe that anything else would come along. He’s the father of the baby. We’re not together because I know in my heart this is not the relationship for me. I still believe God will bring the right fit to me eventually. I’ve had a lot of people tell me they think that line of thought is stupid because life isn’t a fairy tale and you have to be happy with what you’ve got. I just don’t believe that. I truly believe that God has my guy out there, if I’ll just be patient and wait on His timing.

I figured now would be a good time to let “everyone” know because I’ve had a while to process and get to a stable place emotionally. I’m at 22 weeks now and everything’s going great…we know it’s a boy, and he’s healthy and growing like he’s supposed to. I just figured I can’t really keep it to myself anymore since I’m showing and I’m about halfway through the pregnancy. If you’re reading this and you pray (which I hope you do), please be praying for me, the baby, and the father. There are some big decisions to be made…the biggest of which is whether to take the parenting route or whether to make an adoption plan. I’ve been doing lots of research about both sides, and it’s a very strange decision because there’s no right or wrong answer. Both ways have definite advantages and disadvantages. It’s pretty much a dead even decision…I just need to be really praying hard and listening to what God wants me to do. I’m not listening to what anyone else wants…I want what God wants. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that. I’m not a drone in some lame Christian army who can’t think for herself. I’m not just another wacko God freak. I am a strong woman with free will who is freely choosing to let God run my life. I know if I communicate with Him and pay attention to what He’s doing around me, He will show me what to do.

Anyways, I’m sorry that a blog entry is the way most of you have found out about this. I needed these past few months to process and heal. A blog entry is just the easiest way to let “everyone” know. I love you all and I appreciate the support and prayers for me, my baby, and Mike (that’s the baby’s father…definitely pray for him, too). We both want what God wants and we’re striving to find out what that is. Stay tuned for updates…I’ll try to be better about making more frequent posts, especially as a decision is reached and it’s closer to Thanksgiving (my due date is Nov. 27th).

~Love Abounds~

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T13:50:00.002-04:00

Regardless of what your Easter tradition is- whether it's eating Peeps (it's okay...I forgive you), getting together with the family, that good ol' Easter ham, or buying a new dress every year- we all need to make a point of remembering what Easter truly means. Easter has a very special meaning for me this year. For those of you who don't know yet, I'm leaving Macon on Wednesday to move back with my parents in Dalton for a while. I'm going through some really tough stuff right now and I really need to be close to my family. I really do think it's the Lord's timing that the crux of my struggles is happening right around Easter. My church in Macon, New City, has been doing a message series leading up to Easter that has really spoken to me. Last week the message was about redemption...how Christ has covered us with mercy. Because of Christ's sacrifice, God now sees us through rose-colored glasses, if you will....he used to see us as tainted, imperfect, disgusting. Now he sees us through the lens of Christ's sacrifice and we appear perfect, blameless, and hopeful to him. I am so thankful that Christ's sacrifice has crossed out all of my sins I have done and will do and that I am now a clean, freshly clothed, innocent child in God's eyes. The resurrection serves as backup for this. If Christ had just died, the process wouldn't be complete....but, because he conquered death and rose again, his death was validated...our faith is validated...our lives are validated! I am so thankful for my faith and my foundation in Christ....I am trying to hold onto that now more than ever.

Good Friday

2009-04-10T11:00:00.002-04:00

God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you. How? you ask. In Christ. God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God.

2 Corinthians 5:20-21

Textbook nights

2009-03-08T13:50:00.001-04:00

It's nights like last night that make me thankful for life in general. Great friends, great times with stories and laughter, great wine, gorgeous weather and a clear night sky....I love my house. I wish I could transport it somewhere other than Macon, haha....

Generally speaking

2009-03-03T11:29:00.002-05:00

Hello, blogland....here's what's happening in the life of Sarah Jo lately....I started taking Tae Kwon Do about a month ago and I'm really enjoying it. I've always wanted to try martial arts, but was always so busy with basketball, dance, and theater when I was growing up. I recieved my yellow belt (1 stripe) last week and I will be competing in a tournament on March 14th...forms and sparring! It's going to be a lot of fun. We had an interesting weather weekend in Maconga...very wet and warm (which is normal) until Sunday, when I woke up to find it sleeting. By the time church was out it was coming down a bit harder, and by the time lunch was over it turned into a full out snowfall! Around 3 we had definite flurries. It was so unreal! I remember having an ice storm while I was at Mercer, but other than that I don't recall ever seeing winter weather in Macon. It was so beautiful to watch out the windows at the house and at the restaurant. Anyways, I must get ready for TKD class....more posting to come!

2009-03-02T00:08:00.002-05:00

I gave up MySpace and Facebook for Lent, so perhaps this means I'll be posting more frequently here in blog-land....thinking of giving up MySpace altogether, with the exception of a music page....if I ever get my butt in gear enough to merit one. I will say this: did a open mic/ coffeehouse type thing in Dalton a couple of weekends ago, and it was one of the coolest experiences ever. I think I was made for music.....

Ode to my latest relationship failure, complements of Paramore.

2009-01-25T19:38:00.000-05:00

Tell me where our time went
And if it was time well spent
Just don't let me fall asleep
Feeling empty again

Cause I fear I might break
and I fear I can't take it
Tonight I'll lie awake feeling empty

I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you

Now that I'm losing hope
And there's nothing else to show
For all of the days that we spent
Carried away from home

Some things I'll never know
And I had to let them go
I'm sitting all alone feeling empty

I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you

Without you

Some things I'll never know
And I had to let them go
Some things I'll never know
And I had to let them go
I'm sitting all alone feeling empty

I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you

Feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
You're better off without me

A good thought from my devotional reading this morning

2009-01-13T11:45:00.002-05:00

This is taken from Eugene Peterson's devotional, Living the Message: Daily Help for Living the God-Centered Life. You may recognize Peterson's name because he is the translator of the Message paraphrase of the scriptures, which is one of my favorite versions to read. It's not very useful for study because it is a paraphrase and thus the translations from the original languages aren't accurate, but it brings the verses of the Bible to life in a very unique way. Anywho, read this this morning and thought I would share it with you, my few readers.

A person has to be thoroughly disgusted with the way things are to find the motivation to set out on the Christian way. As long as we think that the next election might eliminate crime and establish justice or another scientific breakthrough might save the environment or another pay raise might push us over the edge of anxiety into a life of tranquility, we are not likely to risk the arduous uncertainties of the life of faith. A person has to get fed up with the ways of the world before he, before she, acquires an appetite for the world of grace.

A few morsels

2008-12-11T13:28:00.002-05:00

Just a few thoughts before I head off to open the restaurant:

-Now that I'm out of school, it seems like I never have enough money.
-How much of life is a divine plan and how much is what you create? Where's the line between waiting on Providence and making life happen?
-I'm very excited to be moving into a real house....I will be one of the lovely ladies of Castle Beverly (as we are so naming it because of the lion head and ivy covered exterior walls) come Monday!!!
-I love Christmas so much that I put up my tree yesterday even though I'm moving Monday.
-The main reason I love Christmas is that it reminds me how simple my faith should be. God loved me and sent divinity in the form of a human infant to live life and then die to save mine. I teared up yesterday singing along with Amy Grant's version of "O Come All Ye Faithful" in my car. It's all simple, really. Remember that simplicity this season. Faith, family, friends.

A guide for TIPPING CORRECTLY.

2008-10-15T13:35:00.002-04:00

After repeatedly making half as much in tips as I should be night after night at Bonefish Grill I figured it was time to inform you, the general public, of today's correct tipping procedures. Please read carefully and adjust accordingly.

-15% is NO LONGER THE EXPECTED MINIMUM. I don't care if you're at Cracker Barrel or The Sun Dial...you should be tipping AT LEAST 18%. THIS IS THE NEW MINIMUM.

-Adjust your tipping to reflect the quality of the service. If your service is mediocre, by all means tip 18%. However, if you are at a quality dining establishment such as Bonefish or other pricier establishments, you probably should be tipping a bit more. For excellent service at an excellent dining establishment YOU SHOULD BE TIPPING 20%. Bottom line. It is not acceptable to go into a quality establishment and tip 15% for excellent service. If you want to do that, go to Applebees or something. If you are a businessman and are using a corporate card, THERE IS NO EXCUSE (save recieving poor service) to tip your server any less than 20%. This reflects POORLY on you as a businessman. (Case and point: I served a table of 7 who were there for a business dinner....gave them superb service....and was left $25 on a $200 check. Ridiculous.)

-Using gift cards/coupons: If you use a gift card or a coupon, you should be tipping at least 18% ON THE ORIGINAL AMOUNT BEFORE THE DISCOUNT WAS TAKEN. Do not tip on the remaining amount after the discount. This is not fair to the server because he/she was serving you for the full amount of the sale...not partially. It's just logic, people.

I hope this helps some of the general public know how to tip properly.

Wishing for wings

2008-04-29T15:33:00.003-04:00

Well, it's been a while...life has been crazy lately, mostly because of my recent plunge into the two-job lifestyle. I'm a nanny for my four year old cousin during the day and I'm waiting tables at Bonefish Grill at night. There have been days where I've fought the responsibilities tooth and nail, and there have been other days of tranquil tolerance...there are even a few days where I love how my life's going. Those days really shimmer.

I was out shopping with Kamron in tow last week at the new mall in town. We stopped by the fountain in the courtyard so Kamron could toss in a penny...I figured it was the least I could do after dragging him around for a couple of hours. I took out a penny and told him to make a wish before he threw it in, and at that moment life started recording one of those movie moments that I'll always have at the ready to play back in my mind. He paused for a moment with the penny still in his hand, looked up at me with those gorgeously adorable eyes of his, and simply said "I wish for wings." I had nothing to say in response to such a beautifully simple statement. We stood there listening to the fountain for a minute after he tossed his penny in. End scene.

Kamron's wish has stood out in my mind since then. I've been reading through Donald Miller's book Searching For God Knows What, and he discusses different aspects of the fall in a couple of chapters. He points out how man really was created to be alone and find significance in no one else but God (which I knew already) but he brings up a very interesting point: Adam was instructed to name the plants and animals long before the text mentions God wanting to give Adam the gift of a companion. Now, I guess this is the fault of countless feltboard Sunday School lessons about Adam naming the animals in a nice, neat line...but I've always assumed it was a simple operation. It couldn't have been! It would have taken years and years for Adam to get around to all the plants and animals, find them, and name them. This means that it was just Adam and God for many many years, until God extended His love and grace enough to give Adam the gift of Eve. Miller then points out that one of the consequences of the fall is that we, as humans, will never be able to find total satisfaction in God like we're supposed to. We'll always try looking somewhere else. Although this is a pretty depressing fact, it's also somewhat of an encouragement. We don't have to beat ourselves up so badly over trying to find meaning in life other than through God. It's our nature...it's going to happen. This doesn't give us an excuse to ignore trying to find satisfaction through God, though.

All of that brings me to this point: if Kamron can start wishing for wings at age 4, then maybe it's totally normal and okay that I'm wishing for wings more than anything else in life right now. If Kamron feels the need for some bigger force to take him on an adventure, then maybe it's okay that I'm wishing for the same thing.

...and all you see is where else you could be when you're at home...

2008-02-25T00:54:00.001-05:00

So I’ve been thinking of ways to escape Darkest Maconga (I’m doing that a lot lately…) and thinking about what I want to do or where I want to go. I came up with the idea that my ideal situation for my current phase of life would be to find a boyfriend who’s in a band….go on tour with them as their photographer…play music all the time and get better…and maybe eventually be an opener for them. That would be awesome. However, that is my dream. No lie, I have heard 3 sermons in the past week about relinquishing control to God. I know part of the reason why I’ve been miserable the past couple of years is because I have pried the reins out of God’s hands little by little, thinking for some reason that I could do a better job than He could at this point in my life. I know that God has crazy plans for me because He always has. He’s always shown me that His plans are better. I’ve always seen the reasons why…maybe not immediately, but in due course. Part of the reason why I’m wanting to maintain control is because inwardly I’m afraid that God’s way for me will be boring…too “pious” or what have you. God pretty much invented all things adventurous….so why should I think that he would ordain the boring stuff for me when He also created me…therefore knowing that I crave all things adventurous? It’s so easy to forget that God knows exactly what my wildest dreams are.

It Overtakes Me

2008-02-20T22:22:00.002-05:00

Spiritual moments can happen anywhere, anytime, in the midst of anything. I remembered that a lunar eclipse was supposed to happen tonight, so I peeked out of my window to discover that I had a perfect view if I sat on the floor. I sat and watched the clouds dance over the crescent of the moon that wasn’t yet obscured. I had the Flaming Lips playing, and the song It overtakes me/The stars are so big…I am so small…Do I stand a chance? (yes, that is the song’s real title) was playing. I haven’t listened to this album very much at all, but the melodies of this song were the perfect soundtrack to the eclipse. Then I started listening to the lyrics…and magic happened.

And I'm there, looking up at the sky
And I'm scared, thinkin' 'bout the way that I
Don't understand anything at all...
And how it overtakes me... and I am just so small...
Do I stand a chance?

It was perfect, and I couldn’t stop smiling for a few minutes. Beautiful simplicity like this makes my day turn around. I should open my eyes and be more aware. I should be thankful that the composer of such simplicity brazenly loves me.

Right on.

2008-02-13T23:33:00.000-05:00

I read this in an interview with Rob Bell (I really like what this guy has to say, in case you haven’t noticed by my quoting him every other entry…) in the current issue of Relevant. Says some good stuff about the church, I think. Harsh perhaps…but good. Take a gander.

(In response to the question: What are you doing to reverse the trend of twentysomething Christians walking away from church and, in many cases, from faith entirely?)

What a lot of people call church in America has very little to do with the church Jesus had in mind. I think you just begin by acknowledging that America’s idea of church is an absolute total failure. The whole system that says these few people, because of what they said, did, believe, etc., are going to Heaven and everybody else is going to Hell, is deeply flawed and must die. The system that says big growth and numbers are the goal must also die. The central metaphor Jesus uses is the Eucharist. His body is broken and His blood is poured out to the healing of the world. God is looking for a body of people who will break themselves open and pour themselves out for the healing of the world. I think the problem is that when people say “church” many mean religious goods and services where you come and there’s a nice inspiring talk, good coffee in the back, snappy music and everything ends up fine. Jesus speaks of His people who are willing to suffer and die so that the world can be healed- that’s an entirely different proposition. If you can resolve the sermon in the course of the church service, then the sermon has failed. If you can resolve what’s being talked about just by listening to it, then something’s seriously wrong. The only way to resolve the church service you just experienced, and specifically the sermon, is that you’re going to have to go and wrestle with it and then live it out.

Pensive Potpourri

2008-02-12T13:09:00.000-05:00

First, politics. I find it slightly disturbing that the elections are still a year away and I am already completely sick of hearing about anything related to them. The candidate I support (Ron Paul) has no chance of winning because this country will not get out of the rut that is the two-party system. It is becoming more and more evident that candidates for both parties are not meeting the standards of Americans. Just look at the last election. Most people were forced to choose the lesser of two evils, and it looks as if this election is going to be a similar scenario. Perhaps if we had a moderate party represented more people would be able to find a candidate they can truly rally behind.

Second, the Grammy Awards. I had a little get together with some friends and watched the whole thing...all four hours. It was a really good show, in my opinion. I loved every performance (although the Jerry Lee Lewis/Little Richard combo was pretty scary) and I thought it was great how several genres were incorporated into the show's performances. I think my favorite performance was the tribute to the Beatles done by Cirque de Soleil and some of the cast from Across the Universe. Feist's stripped down version of 1234 was really good, too. There were some awesome duets....Tina Turner and Beyonce, Fergie (I didn't know she could actually sing) and John Legend, Alicia Keys and John Mayer, Josh Groban and Andrea Bocelli.....yeah, could have done without that duet with Kid Rock and the old lady and Brad Paisley's song. But oh well. I love love love how the Album of the Year award went to Herbie Hancock. Kanye can pout all he wants, but it's amazing that the Academy acknowledged and rewarded a different genre of music than normal. One more thing.....I like Amy Winehouse's sound and everything. I think it's unique and catchy and whatever. I don't think she deserved 4 Grammys, though. That's just my opinion. I think there were different artists in each category who deserved an award more than she. Just my opinion.

Third, Valentine's Day. I've never really cared for it, even when I'm in a relationship. Basically the only good thing about V Day in my opinion is conversation hearts. I can destroy a bag of those...it's not even funny. I don't see why people celebrate Valentine's day. It's completely commercial. It might as well be called Hallmark day. Although it stems from Saint Valentine, a martyr, it has evolved to become a day to express romantic feelings. I guess that's all well and good, but I think it's so stupid when girls get angry when their boyfriends don't pull out every stop available on Valentine's day. I feel sorry for you gentlemen this Thursday...

That is all.

Hooray for Hollywood?

2008-01-24T11:02:00.000-05:00

The phenomenon known as Hollywood has, once again, proven its power in American society and culture. By now we all know about Heath Ledger’s death. When I found out about it I was shocked and actually a bit saddened by the news. Then I started thinking about it, and I don’t even know this guy at all, yet I still feel a good bit of emotion about his death. If I had seen on the news that a random guy had died from alleged drug overdose, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought (which is probably sad in and of itself because that sort of news is so common, but that’s another blog entry altogether). Hollywood stars are such idols to American people, and really people all over the world. It absolutely fascinates me how people can achieve this status. I guess the reason why I felt such emotion toward Heath Ledger’s passing is because I have connected with him through the roles he has played in his films. That’s enough to establish a connection with an artist. Let me use another actor as an example that might make more sense. If I was to meet Zach Braff, I would probably start talking to him as if he’s a long lost classmate from high school or something because I connected so much to his character in Garden State. I actually read an interview with him somewhere and he mentioned that this actually goes on because of his portrayal of Andrew Largeman. I can think of several other stars that I feel like I “know” because of characters they have played. I suppose another reason we feel connected to celebrities is because they are all over the media in every way possible. Remember that one week when Britney’s custody case was the top story on every news channel? That’s absolutely ridiculous…the real issues Americans are facing take the back seat to some disturbed pop star’s custody battle.

My mom brought up a good point when we were talking in the car about Heath Ledger’s death. I mentioned how ironic it was that his last role is as the Joker in the new Batman movie, which is a super twisted and almost evil role. She said that roles like that can really affect the actor, and since most actors aren’t believers it’s no wonder that most of them seem way off their rocker. All the interviews I’ve watched have commented on the fact that Heath Ledger’s behavior had changed lately and that he looked like he was using drugs. When you think about it that way, how roles can really affect the actor, it’s scary that everyone in America is looking up to these people who are not solid. You all know that in no way am I a “super Christian,” so I’m not saying boycott Hollywood or pray for the salvation of Hollywood or whatever (I even wonder if that’s worth it in today’s society, because that kind of overt Christian behavior just seems to turn people off…so do we keep being forward in hopes that it will change, or do we adapt to fit the needs of today’s culture? Once again…that’s a whole separate blog entry). Anyway, I’ve never been one to have posters of actors or musicians or whatever in my room and I’ve never really idolized any celebrities, but Heath Ledger’s death just got my brain churning about this kind of stuff.

2008-01-22T21:13:00.000-05:00

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

For real.

2008-01-14T11:08:00.001-05:00

God is green

2008-01-11T13:58:00.000-05:00

I was flipping through my copy of Rob Bell’s book Velvet Elvis today to re-read the parts I had marked. (It’s very hard for me to read a book without a pen or highlighter in hand…chalk it up to being trained in English classes to read analytically.) I came across this passage and I’d really like to share it with you. It’s a very relevant idea, especially since the environment is such a big issue in general and in the upcoming elections.

God empowers creation to make more and in doing so loads it with potential. It is going to grow and change and move and not be the same today as it was yesterday, and tomorrow it will move another day forward. Creation is loaded with potential and possibility and promise.

God then makes people whom he puts right in the middle of all this loaded creation, commanding them to care for creation, to manage it, to lovingly use it, to creatively order it. The words he gives are words of loving service and thoughtful use. From day one (which is really day six), they are in intimate relationship and interaction with their environment. They are environmentalists. Being deeply connected with their environment is who they are. For them to be anything else or to deny their divine responsibility to care for all that God has made would be to deny something that is at the core of their existence.

This is why litter and pollution are spiritual issues.

And until that last sentence makes perfect sense, we haven’t fully grasped what it means to be human and live in God’s world. Everyone is an environmentalist. We cannot live independently of the world God has placed us in. We are intimately connected. By God.

To make the cross of Jesus just about human salvation is to miss that God is interested in the saving of everything. Every star and rock and bird. All things.

...maybe this was made for me...

2008-01-08T16:50:00.000-05:00

I was doing some organizing today and ran across this CD…. All Right Here by Sara Groves. She is one of my favorite singer/songwriters because her lyrics are truly poetic and describe things like no other artist I’ve found. I popped it in to give it a listen, and I fell in love with it all over again (I LOVE it when that happens). One particular song has always spoken to me. I’m a thinker and a questioner, and the lyrics of this song give me great comfort. I’d like to share them with you.

“Maybe There’s a Loving God”

I’m trying to work things out
I’m trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say,
“I don’t know what to do with her
She’s so unresponsive
I just cannot break though
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon”

They have a chart and graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I’m thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God
Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God

Ce sera un long voyage sur les vagues de l'oubli...

2008-01-03T00:34:00.000-05:00

I’m lonely. It’s frustrating to me that I’m so dependant. I know I was created to love- to be loved- to connect- but sometimes I wish more than anything that I could just turn that switch off. A lot of people I know have gotten engaged over the past few weeks because it’s Christmas (aka one of the most romantic times of year). I am so amazingly happy for each one of them, but at the same time it makes my stomach turn because it’s not me. It also doesn’t help when your own Grandmother points out the fact that you don’t have any prospects at age 23. I know that society has changed a bit; in her day, if you weren’t married by 23, you would be hard pressed to be able to make a living. In today’s society it’s not so much of a big deal; women are pursuing their careers before they settle down. It makes me so mad that I care so much about being in a relationship. Why do I care so much? Why does it matter so much? Am I not pursuing God the way I’m supposed to? If I do pursue God completely, is that going to make it go away? I’ve tried that before, and it doesn’t seem like it goes away because the desire for connection and relationship is something that’s embedded in my soul. God created me that way, so really it won’t ever go away….and even if I do get married, loneliness is still a possibility. I’ve been taught my whole life that God can only fill that void. So because of that, is marriage even worth it? If you’re still going to be lonely and if marriage is only there as a glorified friendship where it’s ok to make babies, is the whole ordeal even worth it? These days, marriage isn’t even a binding contract like it used to be. It’s not the fusion of souls anymore. It seems to be an excuse to have sex without feeling guilty about it. I dunno….I know this is a serious rant, but I’m just tired of being bound by this desire to be connected to another person.

Welcome, Christmas, while we stand heart to heart and hand in hand.

2007-12-25T12:40:00.000-05:00

Happy, happy Christmas everyone!

O ye beneath life's crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow;
Look now, for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the wing;
Oh rest beside the weary road
And hear the angels sing.

For lo! the days are hastening on,
By prophets seen of old,
When with the ever-circling years
Shall come the time foretold,
When the new heaven and earth shall own
The Prince of Peace, their King,
And the whole world send back the song
Which now the angels sing.

Art of the Mix

2007-12-24T14:30:00.000-05:00

"The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules." ~High Fidelity~

The art of the mix tape is indeed a delicate one. Although it's really evolved from mix-tapes to mix-CDs or mix iPod playlists, the principles are the same. A mix can say so many things in so many ways. Music speaks to me anyway, but there's something almost magical about listening to songs that have been hand picked for you. I've had mixes to cheer me up, mixes to drive by, mixes that sing me to sleep, and mixes that make me think. My best relationships have started with mixes. They've made me change my mind and they've gotten to my heart before normal words could. I love making mixes for my friends to share the music I love. It's a part of me I can try to describe, but why do it that way when you can pop in a cd and hear part of me in audio form? I have a feeling I'll keep making mixes for a very long time. I like to try to be articulate and I like to write, but 9 times out of 10 a mix says what I'm trying to say much more completely.

...the night starts here...

2007-12-19T01:26:00.000-05:00

My uncle tragically died a couple of weeks ago. His death woke me up and pushed me face to face with what had been tossed into the corners of my mind. (I’m pretty sure that’s one of the reasons why death exists: to shake the living into motion again.) I’ve struggled with being lonely and finding a group of friends to truly connect with since graduation, but I had moved it out of the way to make a path for other thoughts so I wouldn’t dwell on being lonely. While I was up in Dalton for the funeral services, my thoughts about community crept up to the front of the line. I was seeing a community file through the door of the funeral home parlor little by little. People from my parents’ church came to support my mom. People from my sister and cousin’s high school came to support them. Countless people who had grown up with Uncle Thomas and who knew my mom and her other brothers and sisters came to share their grief. I was desperately trying not to make any part of those few days about me, because I knew there were bigger things going on. I could not help but notice, try as I might, that I only had one person come through that line to support me personally. It got me thinking about what kind of relationships I’ve been craving. I had just assumed that it was a romantic relationship, because that’s pretty much what it always is. As I was standing there watching generations of this community pass in front of me, I was starting to realize the difference. I was wondering why I was having such a hard time finding community in Macon. My church is wonderful and I have truly found some kindred spirits there, but none are my age or share all the same interests. I feel a sense of community at work, but I also feel like I’m pretty different from everyone there in several ways. I kept rolling these thoughts around in my mind for the next few days. This past Sunday I got to go to a concert in Atlanta and that fueled my thoughts on community further. Strangely enough, the environment of the concert itself got me really thinking about what community means. This show was a pretty big deal; 4 bands in one night, all in an arena in Atlanta. I hadn’t been to an arena show in a few years, and since then my taste in music has changed to favor smaller bands who frequent much smaller venues. At small shows, everyone is packed in close together and close to the stage. Everyone’s there because they love the band, and everyone’s concentrating on the music and the experience. At this arena concert, people were walking around and talking about stuff during the sets. I was really distracted by all the craziness around me and I noticed that I didn’t feel nearly as connected to the band or the experience as I normally do at a show. Then I decided that arena concerts don’t possess that feeling of community that a show at a bar or a small venue does. Later that night after the concert, I got to hang out with a friend and some friends of his. The whole time I was sitting in awe of the smothering feeling of comfortable community that I was experiencing. A couple of people were passing the guitar back and forth, playing different songs and just noodling around. A few of us would jump in with harmonies from time to time. One guy had bought a box of media equipment from a garage sale or something, and he was sorting through it and playing with it all. At one point we were all trying to remember who painted this certain abstract painting, and someone ended up looking it up on their iPhone. Then a few of us went upstairs and just sat there and listened to music. Simple as that. I left that house feeling like I had been ripped from my dream community. Those are the kind of people I want to get to know. That is the kind of community I have been craving since May. They are thinkers, philosophers, theologians, artists, comedians, and musicians. They challenged me just in that short amount of time we were hanging out. I’m disappointed that I haven’t found a community like that where I am. I guess community is an organism; it evolves and adapts throughout life. Hopefully I’ll be able to find a community where I can feel deeply connected and profoundly loved like my friend’s community.

This post was written to the tune of: In Our Bedroom After the War by Stars

2007-11-22T11:42:00.000-05:00

So I suppose it's appropriate to write the annual "what I'm thankful for" entry, considering today is Thanksgiving day!!! First of all, I'm extremely thankful to be home for Thanksgiving this year to celebrate and share it with my family. Last year I was up in Black Mountain and it was a very difficult day because it was the first Thanksgiving I had ever spent away from home.

I'm thankful for my life and how it's turned out, even though I may not be exactly where I want to be right now. I'm thankful for my parents, who have been amazing teachers throughout my life. I'm thankful that they have never pressured me to be anything other than the person I am....that they let me major in what I wanted in college instead of pressuring me to major in something "more stable" or something that would accomodate a more lucrative career. I'm thankful for my talents, because when I stop to think about it I am talented in many ways.

I'm thankful for coffee.
I'm thankful for music, because without it I would go stark raving mad.
I'm thankful for the outdoors and that nature speaks to me so strongly.
I'm thankful for my mind, that I am able to think for myself instead of being a clone.
I'm thankful for God, because I constantly realize that I need more grace than I thought, and He is always faithful to extend that to me.
I'm thankful for my old friends, my new friends, and what they've taught me.
I'm thankful for my camera, because with it I can share how I see the world sometimes.
I'm thankful for the relationships I've had, because I know that they are working to teach me what love really is through the heartbreak.

I hope all of you reading this take a second to think about the simple stuff you're thankful for, as well as the big obvious stuff. Have a fantastic Thanksgiving, everyone!

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,

'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come round right.

2007-11-18T22:44:00.000-05:00

I've been getting into some Rumi lately... even though he was a Persian scholar and philosopher, his poems have surprising insight into matters of faith and love. Here's one I found earlier today that struck me.

God has given us a dark wine so potent that,
drinking it, we leave the two worlds.

God has put into the form of hashish a power
to deliver the taster from self-consciousness.

God has made sleep so
that it erases every thought.

God made Majnun love Layla so much that
just her dog would cause confusion in him.

There are thousands of wines
that can take over our minds.

Don't think all ecstacies
are the same!

Jesus was lost in his love for God.
His donkey was drunk with barley.

Drink from the presence of saints,
not from those other jars.

Every object, every being,
is a jar full of delight.

Be a conoisseur,
and taste with caution.

Any wine will get you high.
Judge like a king, and choose the purest,

the ones unadulterated with fear,
or some urgency about "what's needed."

Drink the wine that moves you
as a camel moves when it's been untied,

and is just ambling about.

Morning coffee, etc.

2007-11-07T11:06:00.000-05:00

Here's some of my poetry that I ran across.....haven't posted them in a while, so I figured I would. (the last one's a collection of haiku I did once...)

December 8, 2005
Heart-Shaped Paper Lanterns
The pinkish shadow
Reminds me of how it felt
To meet you
And to see you now

I could pull this feeling
Craft it, fold it
Make it a vessel
For the music
Trailing after you

Don't forget
Each moment's hope
Tucked away
As the light source
Until each sense
Each piece of time
Casts a rainbow shadow

I'll take the rainbow
Tie it in my hair
To remember

January 29, 2006
Peach Tea
The sun shone in my glass
Causing an auburn glow
Similar in color to the rolling drawls
Of the modern-day Scarlets
Talking of subjects as vast as a magnolia bloom
The squeals and laughter
Rolling across my ears
As I tasted the soul of the South

I remember those girls
Who chose to soak themselves
In bows and tiny cups of porcelain
Filled with tradition
While I was immersed in the cold creeks of heritage
And christened with red clay

Now watching this dance of smiles and gestures
The air thick with perfume and words
I fade into the auburn glow
And play the part

February 18, 2005
little candy hearts
showing me my hoped fortune.
is this what love is?

the coffee's strong tonight.
the memory's aroma
relaxes to sleep.

familiar song plays;
it is summertime again
with the rain falling.

too bad i must watch
love's telling interactions.
i did know that once.

boy not expected
holds a boom box above him
serenades the queen.

home is where it is:
the heart, the problem, the x.
what to do is key.

The Go! Team- Ms. Pacman

2007-10-24T12:12:00.000-04:00

This is one of the most awesome videos I've ever seen.

Fall back...

2007-10-08T02:06:00.000-04:00

So it’s fall again. It’s a bit strange being in Georgia for fall this year because last fall I was in Asheville. It actually gets cold up there…none of this 85 degrees in October nonsense. When one season packs its things and gets ready to tip its hat farewell, I always reflect on what went on during that season. One word to summarize the summer (haha): struggle. With many, many things. Graduating yanked the rug of community out from under me quite unpleasantly. With no instant community around me, making new friends has been a bit rough. I’ve become pretty decent friends with the folks at the restaurant, all of whom are great people….just not the kind of people I’ve ever been accustomed to hanging around. I lost myself in all the shuffle and my decision making skills suffered from it. My relationship with God shrank drastically. My stubborn head was determined to fix things and get back on track. I knew in the back of my mind the whole time that I couldn’t…..it’s impossible for me to handle my problems. The changing of the season has brought a change of heart, though. I’ve seen a glimpse of life without a connection to God, and it’s awful. I realized that I was letting down God, my family, and myself. Going home for a few days last week allowed me to get away from Macon and think. I read my bible, which is something I haven’t done in months. I’ve been reading Rob Bell’s Velvet Elvis, which has at least kept my thoughts on spiritual things every once in a while. David Crowder Band’s new CD, Remedy, is very good….it has a song on it that we did at Passion 07 that I had completely forgotten about until I heard it again. The lyrics have been a huge encouragement to me lately.

At the start, He was there
He was there
In the end, He’ll be there
He’ll be there
And after all our hands have wrought
He forgives

Oh, the glory of it all
Is He came here
For the rescue of us all
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all

All is lost; find Him there
Find Him there
After night, dawn is there
Dawn is there
And after all falls apart
He repairs
He repairs

Oh, the glory of it all
Is He is here
With redemption from the fall
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all

After night
Comes a light
Dawn is here
Dawn is here
It’s a new day, a new day
Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be the same

So now the trick is remembering who I am, and living it.

2007-08-29T14:54:00.000-04:00

Hmmm....reminds me of another person's life plan.....tee hee.

Vito's Ordination Song

2007-08-02T17:47:00.000-04:00

My spiritual journey of late has been really confusing...it's been a matter of fishing through a pile of stuff to find what's real and of value...what's salvageable. Being a follower of Christ is so confusing and complicated sometimes. I love reverting back to the simple truths of Christianity: God loves us and is always there. Jesus was sent to pay the ultimate price and lived the ultimate life...it's a good idea to try and do what he did and follow his examples. I've found that nature speaks in such a spiritual way to me because it's so simple...how can you not see the presence of something bigger than yourself when you look at nature? It's obvious. It's simple. Anyways...I was listening to the always awesome Sufjan Stevens the other day and found a song that I've been listening to a lot lately as an encouragement in the confusion...and a reminder that things are fundamentally simple.

I always knew you in your mother's arms
I have called your name
I've an idea placed in your mind to be a better man
I've made a crown for you; put it in your room
And when the bridegroom comes there will be noise
There will be glad and a perfect bed
And when you write a poem, I know the words
I know the sounds before you write it down
When you wear your clothes I wear them too
I wear your shoes and your jacket too
I always knew you in your mother's arms
I have called you son
I've made amends between father and son
Or if you haven't one, rest in my arms
Sleep in my bed; there's a design to what I did and said
Rest in my arms, sleep in my bed
There's a design to what I did and said

Things that blow my mind

2007-07-24T15:58:00.000-04:00

I absolutely love it when my mind gets blown. It's such a breath for your life...you think one certain way about something for a long, long time...and then out of nowhere, you hit a sharp turn and come to realize that things can be new.

I especially love it when the discovery of new music blows my mind and totally changes my perception of what it is. I remember clear as day when I discovered mind-blowing music. It was at my Aunt's old house. My family would spend a couple of weeks there every summer and it was a blast. Not only did she have a pool (and unlimited pop-ices) but her house was a sprawling ranch style...so that made for some awesome exploring. This particular afternoon I was snooping around my cousins' bedrooms, which I often did (sorry, Adam and Sam). I ran across some of Sam's CDs and was looking through them and I found Dave Matthews Band Under the Table and Dreaming. I put it in, and Ants Marching started to play....and my mind was blown wide open. I grew up listening to Christian music because I have a really sticky brain when it comes to songs (my dad has a story about me singing every word to a Madonna song at age 2 if you want proof). Although I have some reservations about the Christian music industry, most of the stuff I was listening to was the good stuff....Third Day's early stuff, DC Talk's early stuff...but when I heard that DMB song something just snapped, and I've been totally addicted to the world of music ever since. I guess what reminded me of this is when I was listening to Sufjan Stevens yesterday. I remember the first time I heard Chicago it blew my mind and got me hooked on indie stuff.

I tend to be a realist (or pessimist, whichever you prefer) about things in life, so most of the time I see the worst case scenarios in my mind. Thinking about mind-blowing experiences, though, encourages me. I know that there have been many things I've seen and heard that have totally changed my brain waves, but there are so many more I have yet to experience. There are National Parks I haven't been to...cities I haven't seen...I haven't performed my music in front of people yet...I haven't had my photography in a gallery...I haven't walked down the aisle or become a mother. All of this stuff is going to blow my brains out....and it's gonna be awesome. That's enough to get me through the mundane sometimes.

2007-07-18T11:16:00.000-04:00

so for now I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
and over analyze your words
the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
it's taken everything in me just to forget your sweater so far

-The Spill Canvas-

How am I not myself?

2007-07-16T10:56:00.000-04:00

I can think of many, many ways. Have the new friends I've been making at work seeing me? Somehow I don't think so. I'm pretty sure they're seeing some weird freaked out version of myself.

Yes, it's uncanny to see
You'd really think it was me
I do the best imitation of myself

Just some thoughts...

2007-06-11T17:29:00.000-04:00

Learning about yourself is an interesting experience. I am constantly finding out things about myself and I continue to become more and more complex as I dive deeper into self discovery. I am having fun with it, though. In a lot of ways I have found a new sense of self confidence because I really like some of the new things I'm discovering about me.

I saw Mr. Brooks the other day with a friend of mine...it was quite a humorous situation. We were basically on top of each other by the time the movie was over. It was well written/directed, but it was just really intense...and there was lots of killing...which I don't really like. I'm looking forward to seeing Ocean's 13, Evan Almighty, Silver Surfer, and Ratatouille.

I've been listening to some really good music lately, too. I recently bought Feist's The Reminder, which is a really good album. It's different from her first one in several ways...it's not as jazzy, the tracks are a bit more "produced," and it's all original material. Her first album, Let it Die, only has a couple of originals and the rest are covers. In case you're wondering Feist is Leslie Feist, one of the members of Broken Social Scene...and this is her solo stuff. Think Norah Jones with more of an indie twist...kinda. I've also been listening to Bright Eyes' I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning, which is really good....it's not really his typical Emo stuff. It's really folksy and EmmyLou Harris sings backup on several of the tracks. Let's see, what else...I bought KT Tunstall's album Eye to the Telescope and it's been a pleasant surprise. I'm usually hesitant about buying CDs that have a lot of playtime on the radio, because usually the radio plays the only good songs on the album and the rest of it is horrible. Her whole album is really good, though. It's really diverse in its sound...the songs have good variety to them.

I'm actually going to see Feist with Grizzly Bear this Friday at Variety Playhouse, which I'm excited about....it should be a really good show. I'm sure Feist will be awesome, and I've read nothing but good things about Grizzly Bear.

Just felt like I was due for an update...another one will soon come, hopefully.

2007-05-23T19:08:00.000-04:00

A new summer finds me in a new location once again. Every summer I have been somewhere different...which has been a really cool experience. During college I spent a summer in Dalton, a summer in Richmond VA, a summer in Yellowstone National Park, and a summer in Asheville NC. They're all great places and they all patched up my rough places in their own ways. This summer finds me in Macon. I think it will be a good thing; it has the potential to be if I'm willing to put in my effort. As usual I have the goals of reading, writing, practicing my guitar, and excercising regularly in my free time. I have a pretty large amount of free time, which is strange. I don't work until evenings so I have every day to do whatever I want. I also have cable tv for the first time in months, so that's fantastic...even though that's pretty sad. Haha...

The other night I was thinking about the art of being single. I'm reading Captivating, which is a book by the guy who wrote Wild at Heart and his wife. It's basically the female version of Wild at Heart. It has some interesting perspective about life as a woman and different aspects of it. Through reading this and thinking about the stuff it says in relation to being single...I've basically decided I should really be acting my age here. I've been moping around pathetically the past few weeks because my boyfriend broke up with me. No matter how much I say I'm independent or how strong I appear to be, my identity was there. I was validated and ok as a female because I had a boyfriend.....and that's just ridiculous. I'm 23 for crying out loud...I should be totally fine on my own. I should be enjoying the time without a driving career, without screaming kids, without major bills to pay. I shouldn't be defeated...I shouldn't be carrying my cell phone in my pocket continuously hoping somebody male will call. I've always been the strong willed, independent one. I've always been fine on my own and able to find creative ways to make the most of my time. Although being a "late bloomer" has its advantages, it's really getting annoying. I feel like I'm behind most people my age in a lot of ways. Another part of this delicate balance is that I really can't do much of anything to bring about these changes in myself because I've tried it before and it's blown up in my face. Lately I've been really trying to read my Bible a lot and look for truth there, and I've been writing things out in my prayer journal and just being brutally honest with God. I've been telling him what I'm sick of and what annoys me. I know that he's taking care of me and that I really shouldn't worry, because I have a feeling that 10 years from now I'll be wishing I had the free time I have now. I guess I'm having to re-learn what matters.

2007-05-03T02:02:00.000-04:00

You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong

You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

And I could write it down
or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea

You put me on a line
And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I
Decided to go to sea

You cut me down to size
And opened up my eyes
Made me realize
What I could not see

And I could write a book
The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took
It took it back from me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
And you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

Oh what good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see

Are the streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

You belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

~Coldplay, Swallowed in the Sea~

Balancing act

2007-05-02T00:14:00.000-04:00

So my version of earth has been both shaken and stirred these past few days. And so it goes...you think you know what trail you're on and where it's headed, and then suddenly you find yourself bushwhacking. Aside from that, lately I've been thinking about the balancing act required of anybody who calls themselves a Christ-follower. There are several aspects of the faith which require a balance, but the one I've been mulling over specifically is the issue of self-worth. We are taught (and the Bible says) that without Christ we are nothing and can do nothing, but then again we are also assured that we can have confidence in our worth as a creation of God. I have to be selfless in order to effectively imitate Christ, but being selfless requires some measure of introspection which is selfish in nature.

These recent events have made me lose most, if not all, of my confidence in my ability to live a life striving to follow and learn from Christ. The things I have been doing for the past 3 years, really, have not indicated that I even have a desire to follow Christ. My emotions feel electrocuted, in a way. I feel numb and unable to move myself. I cannot change any of these circumstances directly. I can make steps to try and alleviate the temptations, but ultimately it is not up to me to use my will or my self-control to solve things. This is putting me in a very strange place. I can't do anything to fix things... I can't control what's going to happen to me in the next year and I know that I will never really gain control over it. But, at the same time, I need to have confidence in myself knowing that if I'm really seeking to follow Christ I'll be going where He wants me to go. This is all very strange...I feel like I'm floating in limbo with no indication of what's going to happen to me. I guess this is where God wants all of us at some point...at a place of total dependence on Him. I feel like that's where I am...I have found the most solace in my Bible, my prayer journal, and my out-loud conversations with God in the car or in the shower. I have no clue what's going to happen. None. I've at least had a pretty strong feeling of direction in the past. Basically I know what I want and have gotten a taste of it....the carrot was dangling in front of me, and I ripped the carrot off of its string and threw it away. I don't know if I'm going to get another carrot. I'm scared that I have messed up something that could have possibly been the best thing.

The Emptiest Day

2007-04-17T08:27:00.000-04:00

I feel very cliche blogging about my feelings and whatnot after what happened at Virginia Tech yesterday, but I think I need to. My heart is hurting more than I thought it would. When I walked into the University Center at school yesterday morning and saw the breaking news on the tv, I started panicking. I have several friends from high school and my youth group in Richmond who go to VA Tech. I only wanted to know that they were alright and hadn't been harmed. I finally got in touch with them through Facebook and found out that they're ok, by the grace of God. So many people died, though. 32 people. 32 innocent students either chilling in their dorms or in class. It's hard to believe that I've already lived through 2 major historical events in my lifetime, and chilling to think that there will most likely be another historical tragedy before I die. I'll be able to tell my kids and grandkids where I was on September 11 '01, a major terrorist attack on our nation, and where I was on April 16 '07, the worst shooting in US history.

I was listening to a morning show on the radio on my way to school today, and I got really frustrated with the media and how it handles things. The topic at hand on this particular show was if the President of VA Tech should be fired for not handling the situation properly. It angers me that people want to start pointing fingers and stirring up controversy already. At least give us, and more importantly VA Tech, time to grieve before all that gets brought up.

I wish I could be up in Blacksburg today to hug my friends. These are kids I went to high school with; kids who were in youth group with me; kids who mean a lot to me and have made impressions on my life.

Ready and waiting to fall

2007-03-19T23:36:00.000-04:00

I'm getting restless. I'm ready for a change...ready to fall into something different. I kinda get this way after I've been somewhere for 4ish years. I'm tired of Macon and I'm ready for a new place and new experiences. I thought I was going to get to do that in France, but since that's not working out I'm having to find an alternative. Moving to Athens is looking more and more appealing for a number of reasons.

I'm also ready to get back on track with God. I've felt a huge disconnect from him lately and I know that if things still go how they're going, I'm going to have some big changes in life relatively soon and I will/do need him desperately. It's frustrating to try to get back on track by myself, but I almost feel like I have to because I've never found a solid home church in Macon. I've skipped around but I've ultimately ended up frustrated and left. I feel like I'm trying to disciple myself, which isn't good. I think I really need someone to pour into me and help me through things. I'm not sure how to go about finding that person.

Bigger things

2007-03-15T09:15:00.000-04:00

I'm wearing my Chacos today. The feel of them on my feet gives my legs a sort of energy, as if my body remembers the adventures I've had while wearing them. They've gotten me to mountains and back and they've seen the dust of many trails and the silt of a few rivers. When I close my eyes and feel their contour, feel the straps holding my toes, I can see where I've been. I've seen bigger things. I've seen morning mists floating off of the river. I've looked over miles of green from high places. There is nothing like that feeling; nothing like becoming part of this mass of rock or water that could consume you, but allows you to partake of it in that moment. There's nothing like that smell of morning river or the sensation of the wind stealing air from your throat. There's nothing like being part of something big.

I found out Tuesday that I didn't get accepted to go to France for a year through Campus Crusade, but it's ok. Other big things exist.

what new mystery is this?

2007-03-06T20:37:00.000-05:00

Well, it's Spring Break. Hard to believe that we're here already. That means only a couple of months until I graduate and am forever done with this thing called college. It's scary, in ways. In most other ways it is a relief beyond relief. It seems like life will get simpler after this, but I know in the back of my mind it only gets harder from here.

I think I will always, always love going to shows. Seeing mewithoutYou last night was needed. If you're not a music lover it's hard to explain how going to a show is such a recharge. Not only was it a show fix, but mewithoutYou's lyrics are amazing and approach relationship with God in some interesting ways.

Work is going well...I'm making excellent money at the restaurant, so I'm planning on staying in Macon this summer whether or not I get accepted to go to France. Oh yes, that's something else going on. I've applied to go on a stint with Campus Crusade for a year starting at the end of August. I'm really excited about it, because I think this is the perfect time to go. It will be hard leaving family and boyfriend behind, but it's something I need to do. Anyway, back to work...it's going well. It's always interesting when a Christian enters a new workplace. Even though I have not said word one about my faith or whatever and have not been annoying about it, my coworkers have already attached certain stereotypes to me. It's funny how that works...and it's also very sad because most of the stereotypes assigned to Christians are true. I think more Christians should, while still being in line with God of course, fight to break these stereotypes.

So things are generally going well. I think the lesson I'm trying to learn lately is that I don't learn from my mistakes.

Open wide my door my Lord, my Lord
Open wide my door
To whatever makes me love You more...

2007-02-15T01:07:00.000-05:00

2007-02-04T20:49:00.000-05:00

More song lyrics...I promise I'll be creative again soon.

Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we've come
Let the pain burn away from our hearts
We have time to start all over again

Well if you would shine your love down here
And make our hearts as perfect as new
Oh if you would shine your love down here
I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise we'll reflect it right back at you

~Copeland, When Finally Set Free~

2007-01-30T23:17:00.000-05:00

Loving a person just the way they are
It's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way
Hold on to me and I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain and reaching out and tryin'
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces, baby
And only one makes you free
Hold on to me and I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go lookin' for offense, we're gonna find it
If we go lookin' for real love, we're gonna find it

Hold on to me and I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

Loving a person just the way they are
That's no small thing
That's the whole thing
Loving me just the way I am
It's no small thing
It takes some time

~Sara Groves~

2007-01-21T22:51:00.000-05:00

So sorry for the lack of postings as of late...school starting back and all, you know. I really don't have much of substance to talk about, so I'll list some rocking awesome music I've been hooked on lately. These are all worth seeking out.

Sleeping At Last- Keep No Score
MuteMath- MuteMath
Sufjan Stevens- Come On Feel The Illinoise!
mewithoutYou- Brother, Sister
Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.- The Chronicles of a Bohemian Teenager
Copeland- Eat, Sleep, Repeat
The Album Leaf- Into The Blue Again
Snow Patrol- Final Straw

There ya go. And since I can't really think of much to say, here are some song lyrics that are good at saying what I can't.

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time
~Snow Patrol, Chocolate~

2007-01-09T22:18:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about relationships the past couple of days. Sadly, it seems to be a subject I cannot avoid no matter how hard I try. Perhaps that is because, as humans, we were created to be in relation with each other...whether romantically or otherwise. It's really hard to remember that and be ok with it- especially in a culture like ours. A friend of mine asked me once why girls "play games" so much. I thought about it, and suggested that our culture has shifted to this paradigm of the strong woman. Society is encouraging women to be strong and independent; to pursue goals, dreams, and careers. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this...except that now women have this idea pushed on them from culture that they do not need a relationship in their lives. I think that women often battle themselves because culture says they do not need a relationship to be successful...that they can be just as career oriented as men and be fine. However, as women we are specifically made to want or yearn for a relationship. So then we have this fight within us between the woman who is straining to be ok as an individual and the girl who is longing to become part of someone else, too.

Whew. Now on to what I originally intended to blog about... Another friend and I were sitting around talking about crushes we've had, crushes other people had, who ended up getting engaged, and all that fun stuff. She jokingly told me that I won the prize for having the most guys have a crush on me. Although I know for certain she did not mean any harm in that comment, it hit me harder than I thought it would. I started thinking about that....about how I've gained somewhat of a reputation in college of being a heartbreaker. I guess I went crazy...I only dated one guy all through high school, and we dated for about 2 years. He was the first guy I had ever dated. Since then, just in my 4 years of college, I've dated like 9 guys or something...and kissed way more than I ever should have. I then started thinking that I would have rather been the girl who never was really liked and didn't date much, but found love in the first guy she seriously dated and ended up getting married. Although, I'm sure that has it's downsides too...because I know a couple of those girls and they seriously questioned themselves until they found that one guy. I just didn't think that getting so much attention would be so detrimental. At this point it's like when guy likes me and tells me, it's all been said. I've heard it all before and it's not that special. That's really sad to me. I guess if and when I find the guy I'm supposed to be with, all of those things that have been said and soiled and run over will somehow regain their sparkle and magic. Then again, life is not a chick flick.

All of this has really been verbal vomit...just thoughts. But that's what a blog is, isn't it? So beautiful...

2006-12-30T00:34:00.000-05:00

nonsense

the monster under my bed is teaching me to tap dance
twirling around like the tiny ballerina in a box
but i am so clumsy
therefore i fell off my tuffet
and- being quite contrary-
i let down my long hair

my smile is too hot-
my frown is too cold-
but a blank gaze is just right
to keep me from falling too far
into the briar patch
jumping over the candlestick
who sings a French song
of waiting for love's first kiss

the slipper may fit
and i may follow that yellow road
but i seem to have left something
behind- in the looking glass with Alice

and i fear i've become a real boy.

2006-12-23T16:57:00.000-05:00

2006-12-19T22:47:00.000-05:00

Its coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh, I wish I had a river
I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

-Joni Mitchell-

2006-12-14T18:19:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here in Tampa General Hospital watching my Popi die. It's a strange thing, really. I know it's been said countless times that life is one big cycle...but it is so much more evident when you witness its completion. When we are born, we crawl around in diapers. We are not able to function totally on our own. We are dependant on others to feed us and dress us. Likewise, before we die, we lie there in diapers. We are dependant on an IV drip to give us nourishment. Others have to take care of us and make us comfortable. Life really is a cycle. It's fascinating how the joining of the two sides of life takes place. Birth is a stressful event with pushing, squeezing, pulling, and finally that gasp of air to initiate us into life. Death completes the cycle with blood straining to push through the veins...squeezing every ounce of energy from the body into the effort to live...pulling nutrients from the IV and from elsewhere...and finally that gasp of air to put the period at the end of the novel of life.

I hate to quote a song at a time like this...I wish I could come up with my own words. Perhaps I will soon. In the meantime, this song won't leave my head.

And it came to me then that every plan
Is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself
That I’d already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
And I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose
Than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself

‘Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes ‘round and everyone lifts their heads
But I’m thinking of what Sara said
That love is watching someone die...

So who’s gonna watch you die?

I can see my breath...

2006-12-08T19:04:00.000-05:00

The cold is always so brilliant. I've always marvelled at how a drop in temperature makes things sparkle and fill with magic. Bushes that were once dull from fall's dryness gain new color and life.

It's interesting how the cold brings people together. Practically speaking, people have to draw together during the colder months for warmth. Think about it, though. In the old days before electricity, the hearth was the central gathering place for the family. In the fall and winter months when the temperature began to plummet, the family was forced to gather around the fire. I can picture a mother knitting, a father smoking a pipe and perhaps reading something, and the children either quietly playing or studying their chatechism. It's a very Little House image. I suppose that's because I read the books as a child. I could now go on a tirade about how society has thrust the family into a whirlwind of endless appointments, activities, tv shows, and cell phone ringers...butI won't. I think that the hearth still has that magnetic quality. I remember one time when I was in high school there was a bad ice storm. We were living in Virginia at the time, so it was a common occurance in the winter to get at least one good storm. After having lived in Georgia all my life, it was always a joy to wake up to more brilliant sunlight penetrating my shades because of the snow's whiteness. It was always a joy to have a snow day. But, in this instance we only had nasty ice to deal with. Everything looked eerie...as if the ice wasn't a solid, but some sinister ooze bent on consuming everything alive. I remember loving the simplicity of that storm, because the power outage forced the family into the living room around the hearth for a couple of days. We amused ourselves by playing cards, dominoes, and mankala. That magnetic effect, although a necessity at that moment, was still present. The cold produced magic then.

Tonight when I'm walking downtown, I'm going to pay attention to how the cold makes magic. I'm going to pay attention to how it fits people and flatters them. I'm going to see it put a quick liveliness in their step and a rush to their breath. Tonight, I'll be breathing out fairy dust.

2006-11-22T15:21:00.000-05:00

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

ee cummings

"I don't know what it is about you that closes and opens..."

2006-11-16T16:14:00.000-05:00

There's something about closing...something about clearing away and finishing...that's so deliciously final. When my desk is messy, there's something so fulfilling about putting things in their proper order and re-creating planned space. Slamming a book shut after you've finished a chapter has this same feeling. It's accomplishment...it's peace about the job...it's reflection on your work...it's a temporary silence in your mind. Too bad life as a whole can't be like that. As soon as you close something, another thing opens.

The green life

2006-11-14T10:46:00.000-05:00

I love Asheville. Not only is it a city nestled in the rippling Blue Ridge mountains, but it is also one of the most unique cities I've ever experienced. There are always people walking around downtown. Some are your typical business men and women on a mission, but some are content to sit on the park benches strewn throughout the city and play on a harmonica. When you drive past the bars on any given night, you are sure to see people sitting around sharing a pint with friends and talking. The Asheville drum circle meets every Friday night (as long as it's warm out) in the park. I'd guess 50 to 75 people sit around the park, playing their drums. I'd guess that the same amount of people come to dance and experience the energy of it all. Some of them belly dance, some of them have light-up hoola hoops and sticks to twirl, and some are just jumping around. There are art galleries all over the city, and you come up on them in the middle of rows of shops. This city has one of the best selections of restaurants I've ever seen. There's lots of ethnic food...Thai, Indian, Japanese, Chinese, French. There's a place called the Asheville Brewing Co. where you can get some of the best pizza ever, a pint of their own brew, and they show movies on the big screen. It's really cool. Everyone in the city seems to enjoy life in small ways. Everyone seems to value being healthy and taking care of your body...I think this is what has rubbed off on me the most, considering I'm now trying to switch my diet over to all-natural/organic foods. Asheville is most definitely diverse, and it reminds me of Paris in that respect. I hope all of you get to experience a place where life is so...green.

A new beginning

2006-11-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

So I've decided to move my blog to this address. I will make a more substantial post very soon...