Thoughts...in the key of me.

Hello, blogland…I promised an update, so here it is! I’ve had a very intense 5 months. Back in April I moved from Macon to Dalton to live with my parents for a little while. I found out the last week of February that I’m pregnant…expecting my first child around Thanksgiving. The past year has been one big mess of confusion in my life. I forgot who I was and started acting like what other people were. I all but turned my back on my faith and the God who has gotten me through so much in life. I can’t really pinpoint when I got lost or where the wrong turn was, but I do know it’s been a long process. It started my senior year at Mercer and has been going on since then. I started ignoring truth. I lost confidence in myself, my gut instincts, and my ability to make wise decisions and started listening WAY too much to other people and what they thought I should be doing. I lost confidence in God- that He would direct me to a lasting, meaningful relationship in HIS time…not mine. Because of that I ended up in an on-again, off-again relationship with a guy from work in Macon. I really ended up stringing him along because I didn’t have the stability to believe my gut instincts that this wasn’t the relationship for me. I didn’t believe that anything else would come along. He’s the father of the baby. We’re not together because I know in my heart this is not the relationship for me. I still believe God will bring the right fit to me eventually. I’ve had a lot of people tell me they think that line of thought is stupid because life isn’t a fairy tale and you have to be happy with what you’ve got. I just don’t believe that. I truly believe that God has my guy out there, if I’ll just be patient and wait on His timing.

I figured now would be a good time to let “everyone” know because I’ve had a while to process and get to a stable place emotionally. I’m at 22 weeks now and everything’s going great…we know it’s a boy, and he’s healthy and growing like he’s supposed to. I just figured I can’t really keep it to myself anymore since I’m showing and I’m about halfway through the pregnancy. If you’re reading this and you pray (which I hope you do), please be praying for me, the baby, and the father. There are some big decisions to be made…the biggest of which is whether to take the parenting route or whether to make an adoption plan. I’ve been doing lots of research about both sides, and it’s a very strange decision because there’s no right or wrong answer. Both ways have definite advantages and disadvantages. It’s pretty much a dead even decision…I just need to be really praying hard and listening to what God wants me to do. I’m not listening to what anyone else wants…I want what God wants. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that. I’m not a drone in some lame Christian army who can’t think for herself. I’m not just another wacko God freak. I am a strong woman with free will who is freely choosing to let God run my life. I know if I communicate with Him and pay attention to what He’s doing around me, He will show me what to do.

Anyways, I’m sorry that a blog entry is the way most of you have found out about this. I needed these past few months to process and heal. A blog entry is just the easiest way to let “everyone” know. I love you all and I appreciate the support and prayers for me, my baby, and Mike (that’s the baby’s father…definitely pray for him, too). We both want what God wants and we’re striving to find out what that is. Stay tuned for updates…I’ll try to be better about making more frequent posts, especially as a decision is reached and it’s closer to Thanksgiving (my due date is Nov. 27th).

~Love Abounds~